Before the Journey and the Rest
by Fuyu no Akegata
Summary: Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues.   Kaka x Iru  yaoi, eventual lemons
1. We're Not in Kansas

**Author's Notes **- This is dedicated to Hatochan. More than my muse, also my confidante; thank you for giving me back faith in myself and my writing "Oh, senseiii…." ;) evil grin

**Story Notes**

This story occurs several weeks after the conclusion of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, with permission from Hatochan

Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire"

The _gakuran _is the male uniform worn by many middle and high school students in Japan. It is modeled on Meiji era formal military dress which was in turn (according to Wikipedia) modeled on either European naval or Prussian army uniforms. A noticeably longer, shorter, or differently colored jacket denotes a tough "Yankee" style or rebellious character in many animes.

Will be updated as real life permits :) My husband comes home from Iraq less than a month from now, so if I disappear with no word for a week or so , you know I'm uhhh busy… yeah that's it… researching, as Jiraiya would say :)

**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language (glares at Genma), violence will eventually be rated NC-17. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. First few chapters no worse than PG-13.

**Disclaimer: **You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… 'We're Not in Kansas' lyrics belong to Big Country

// _Well dog, I know we're not in Kansas—the sky's all colored wrong  
I know we're not in Kansas—the days are all too long  
I sure don't understand this—that's what you're howling for  
I know we're not in Kansas, Kansas anymore _//

**Between the Journey and the Rest, Chapter 1:**

**We're Not in Kansas**

"But where are we going?" asked Kakashi.

Iruka stopped and turned to look at him. "Do you trust me?"

"Implicitly."

Iruka reached up to readjust Kakashi's hitai-ate, covering both eyes. "Then just come with me. No more questions, no peaking..." He thought for a second and continued more sternly "And don't cheat and use your chakra, either... This is supposed to be a surprise." …a pleasant surprise to take his lover's mind off the near unceasing rounds of training he had subjected himself to over the last several weeks.

Kakashi nodded.

The chuunin suspected his lover would be more than intelligent enough to perceive their destination if they followed a direct route, so he chose a more meandering course. They wandered through early evening's fading sunlight, smudges of storm clouds appearing in the distance, and one of Iruka's hands rested at his companion's lower back, guiding. Kakashi spared a few thoughts for the younger man's ability to lead him so easily through the village's streets without even a stumble, avoiding obstacles while preventing any hint of their final objective from leaking into his senses even as Iruka brought them to a halt.

The instructor questioned him, "Do you still trust me?"

Oddly enough, he could still read the expression on Kakashi's face, even through the mask with only a strip of forehead showing under the unruly thatch of silver hair. _How does a person who keeps such iron control of his emotions manage to show so much on his face?_

"Iruka..." the older man almost whined, and the instructor was reminded, not for the first time, of his young charges, but he had to forcibly steer his thought away from that line of thought if he ever had a hope of making it through this evening with his sanity intact. "Surely you know how much I trust you by now?"

"Alright then. I need you to let me do two things. I will **not** let you spoil this surprise and I know you feel like you're dying of curiosity. And although I also trust you, with my very life, I **know** you too... **and** your intelligence gathering abilities, even blindfolded. You'll cheat without even meaning to, so I need you to let me throw that modified version of the _fujikomero_ that we use on prisoners on you... I know that's hard enough since that particular muzzle is unsettling. But..." here he paused, "I can't tell you the other thing I am going to do after I throw the muzzle on you. That's where the trust is going to come in."

Iruka could almost see Kakashi blink under the headband as his mind processed those statements.

"I've had that cast on me so many times when I've been captured and in anti-torture training; I know how to handle it. I **do** trust you, you know. I can tell the difference between an enemy and an ally. And you know how much more you are. Do your worst," Kakashi tossed back.

"Alright." The darker man formed the seals of the jutsu that would effectively surround his lover in a net through which no sensory information could pass. The last thing the copy nin heard before the curtain of darkness settled over him was, "Your patience will be rewarded in a few more minutes, love."

Kakashi switched instantly into a relaxed version of mission mode. He didn't allow full-blown tension and paranoia to kick in, but he needed the tighter control over his own thoughts it allowed. The muzzle **was** uncomfortable and unsettling, which was only one of the reasons for its use among interrogators. It also blocked all sensory input, which was the main reason it was just so unsettling. It allowed interrogators to lead their captives places without worrying about security breaches, and he knew that was why Iruka had chosen it. Even if he consciously made the effort not to learn where he was being led, he knew his mind might just perceive it from a stray piece of information filtering through. At his skill level, as little as one sound or smell could pinpoint his exact position in the village.

This was his first time experiencing this 'not-feeling' around Iruka, however, and he couldn't help seeing the interesting possibilities. Something in his mind took over, supplying some very interesting visions. His inner pervert smiled at the thought of a naked Iruka, hands bound to the headboard above him. His chakra control and understanding of this jutsu were enough that he knew he could modify it to allow only certain senses or affect only parts of his lover. He smiled as his mind supplied a feather, a candle, and a bowl of ice cubes. He thought some more and a bottle of scented oil appeared as the room glowed in the light of several dozen candles, one of Iruka's more sensual musical selections played in the background, strong beat and choral chanting enhancing the intimate mood. Hehehe… it sounded like music from a soundtrack of monk porn… His mind added a set of icy blue satin sheets, enjoying the contrast between them and his warm brown lover.

He was forcibly brought back from this pleasant place as a distinctly glacial tingle invaded his body... _Hmm, some sort of genjutsu... What is Iruka up to, now? _He had no more time to wonder as his body was somehow made to walk a short distance, all the while mourning his lost fantasy_. I know he's good, but __**that**__ really takes an expert amount of control._ He had just decided to return to his earlier pleasant musings of a naked bound Iruka when he felt the containment jutsu draining away. That was his last coherent thought for several long moments. He stared in utter confusion before his mind made up for it's momentary inactivity by kicking into bustling overdrive.

His Iruka, his wonderfully blushing sometimes shy schoolteacher, Iruka... he... he... Kakashi gulped and shifted against a sudden and immediately painful arousal as he saw **his** Iruka wearing a white button down shirt, loosened tie, and khaki slacks, strands of hair escaping from his ponytail... wearing wire-rimmed reading glasses... Kakashi imagined him standing behind that desk... in his classroom... his desk... his classroom... those glasses... Kakashi just stared at Iruka with a ludicrously adorable combination of confusion and pure lust. _ohhh, sensei_...

Iruka chucked inwardly at the expression on Kakashi's face. _I wonder how much he has even noticed? I bet he still hasn't gotten past the 'ohhh, sensei...' part in his mind. _Iruka slowly walked towards Kakashi, looking down at his dumbstruck lover.

More and more awareness filtered into Kakashi's already overloaded brain. He vaguely realized he was sitting in a chair in the classroom and that the room was lit softly with several scattered groups of candles. Something not quite right tugged at his brain as Iruka walked past him and he had to look up more than he felt he should have to. He looked down at himself and gasped in amazement. _**That**__ was the genjutsu I thought I felt... This must just be a modification of Naruto's oiroke no jutsu and a simple henge. I look almost like when I was 17, although I think I was a just a little more awkward and unfinished looking then. Hmm and a civilian student uniform... the gakuran jacket is noticeably longer than it should be on a school uniform. Does he see me as a rebellious teen? _He stared up in dumb amazement at Iruka, not wanting to break this spell.

Iruka walked to the black board. Kakashi saw the notes on advanced chakra theory already written on the board before him as the academy instructor pulled down a chart and pointer. Kakashi's eyes slid across that tight ass both revealed and concealed by the khakis and drifted up Iruka's profile before being captured completely by that intriguing bit of wire and glass_. He has reading glasses. Why have I never seen him wear those glasses? Why is he wearing glasses? He has perfect vision...Those glasses… _Mismatched eyes glazed and lost focus, thoughts tumbled chaotically in his head, and he gazed unseeingly at the blackboard. A low rumble of thunder sounded somewhere in the distance.

"Hatake-kun, let's start with a review. Name the seven chakra centers and the parts of the body each controls."

Kakashi cocked his lead slightly to one side in a familiar manner as he considered the question.

Iruka chuckled inwardly as he watched Kakashi rattle off the standard textbook answer while wondering what relevance it had to this discussion. _He plays the confused student so well… I'm mildly surprised he's managed to hold out and not just ask for me to spank him... hmmm, or try to seduce me into fucking him over my desk...He must really want this to not rush into it... Still, when did he ever start showing such control... well in the bedroom anyway... the only time he is this controlled and focused is when repressing his emotions or on a mission... He's still that distracted, hmm? Then this will definitely be worth overcoming any little hang-ups I might have about the whole sensei thing._

Outwardly he continued the lesson, wondering how long before Kakashi would actually settle down enough to actually realize the import of the lesson. Iruka discoursed at length on the effects of both blocking certain chakra points and sending excess chakra to those same points. There was another inner smirk as he realized Kakashi still didn't see what he was alluding to. "Hatake-kun." Kakashi's eyes snapped to the front of the room. "Come up to the chart and point out the strongest areas of the chakra pathways."

Kakashi stood up and approached the chart. He then indicated the seven main centers running through the center of the body.

_I can't believe he's held out this long. Not even a smart-ass remark or a paper shuriken. Maybe he's worried I'll stop if he gets out of hand. Time for me to up the ante... _Iruka silently came up to Kakashi, standing right behind him. "Now what does the chart show you at each of those seven areas?" Iruka almost purred the words at Kakashi, knowing the tone would either give Kakashi the answer Iruka was looking for or at least tease the man into action.

"Each area is a cluster of multiple smaller lines joining together, surrounding important organs of the body," recited Kakashi perfectly.

Iruka leaned in so close their bodies almost touched. "And what is the quickest way to stimulate chakra flow externally, in another person's body?" Iruka asked, his tone low and hushed, almost whispering behind Kakashi's ear.

"By stimulating each cluster with a chakra pulse of the properly corresponding resonance, sensei."

"Very good, return to your seat, Hatake-kun." Iruka walked back to the desk to grab a copybook and pencil and brought them to Kakashi. He loomed over him as he announced the pop quiz asking for five different methods for stimulating energy in and around the base chakra, and the biological ramifications, positive and negative, for each one. He wondered how long before Kakashi realized exactly just what he was **really** asking for and what his reaction would be. This promised to be a very entertaining evening.

Kakashi just looked up as Iruka handed him the test materials. Iruka didn't release them immediately, his hand brushing the younger looking male's hand as he held tight to the thin notebook, arching one eyebrow as he looked down at his student. "Umm, thank you, sensei," Kakashi finally stammered and blushed, fumbling with the items.

_I can't believe he is still reacting this strongly. It's cute in a way, he acts almost like one of the younger first year students, although that's not quite the reaction __I expected to receive for one of his fondest fantasies being enacted for his benefit._

Kakashi looked almost unseeingly at the pages in front of him, trying to see what answers Iruka wanted from him. He cast back in his mind trying to replay Iruka's lecture and draw the desired answers from the information Iruka had just given, not from what he already knew of the subject.

Iruka sat at his desk, pretending to mark papers, looking down over the rims of those glasses, seemingly unaware of the struggle going on before him.

Kakashi became increasingly agitated as the warring information in his brain further affected him. He knew what the answer should be, but from what he vaguely remembered Iruka saying, that couldn't be the answer he wanted from him... His brow furrowed as his frustration deepened, but he started feverishly scribbling in his book. The thunder sounded again, slightly closer this time.

Iruka sent another hidden glance at Kakashi. _He is taking this so seriously. Why hasn't he purposely misbehaved and smirked and asked me to punish him yet? That's the first thing I would think he would want me to do. He's so quiet and serious. _He could feel another rumble of thunder through the desk, this one quite a bit nearer. _That may shape up to be quite a storm in the next hour if it keeps up. Might be a good idea considering the amount of noise he expected his lover to make over the next few hours_. "Five minutes remaining," he announced to his lone pupil.

Kakashi just increased the frantic rate of his scrawl, if that was possible. His hand fairly flew over the pages, almost pouring the information from his brain straight onto the page. Iruka stared at the sheer volume of material Kakashi was imparting for what was supposed to be a simple but rewarding scene. It had been difficult enough to overcome his own reservations, but a good portion of their role-playing was to work through problems and make them stronger, both separately and as a couple. He knew he had no desires for young children in that way, so it was time to overcome the aversion he had always felt for this fantasy of Kakashi's and make their shared bond of trust even stronger in the process. If things went well enough he might even get to extend the scene with Kakashi and keep the teacher student seduction tableau intact through the whole period of lovemaking. There were, after all, two ways for this to play out. Teachers could be seduced and wooed as well, and both men had more than enough creativity to come up with enjoyable ideas for either scenario. The role-playing was a well-deserved reward for the increased levels of trust and sharing his lover had increasingly displayed over the last several months.

"Time," he announced. "Turn in your quiz." This last was punctuated by a flickeringincandescence of light and the near instantaneous thunderclap directly overhead; the sharp tang of ozone permeated the air as a prickling static raised the hairs on their bodies.

"I said 'Time,' Hatake-kun," drawled the teacher in a low, forceful manner as he brought the pointer sharply down against the desk beside him.

Kakashi floundered, opening his mouth a few times before answering all in a breathless rush "I'm sorry, sensei, the thunder… I didn't hear…" the words stumbled from his lips.

Kakashi brought himself to his feet and approached slowly with his test. Iruka saw him shuffle forward, his shoulders slumped forward just slightly and he raised his eyes directly to Kakashi's face with a worried glance. Just then, another louder burst of thunder exploded nearby and the whole room seemed to shake. He saw Kakashi startle, so like a frightened child that he knew there was something more than a kinky scene playing out between them.

"Kakashi." He lifted his lover's chin to stare into those mismatched orbs and gasped as he was pulled into the strong emotion shining forth so clearly from those suddenly young looking eyes, one ordinarily veiled physically, the other spiritually. "Kashi, love, are you ok?" He could hear the wind starting to pick up outside the classroom and saw the blood drain from the already pale face, leaving a slightly ashen tint.

The copy-nin shook his head back and forth, dislodging the chuunin teacher's hand, as he backed slowly away. "No, I didn't do anything wrong, Sir. No, Keberu-san, no!" the sharp protest was ripped from the throat of the jounin seconds before he twisted and fled the room in a swift silver blur.

The split second's hesitation as Iruka's jaw dropped in shock was all the older man needed to escape completely. "Kakashi?!? What the hell?" He rushed into the empty hallway in time to see the double doors swing shut, blocking out the driving rain.


	2. The Storm

**Author's Notes **- This is dedicated to Hatochan, muse, beta, confidante, and late night conversationalist... dripping wet shinobi... mmm... makes you want to drizzle them with all sorts of yummy edibles :)

**Story Notes**

This story occurs several weeks after the conclusion of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, with permission from Hatochan

Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire"

Will be updated as real life permits :) My husband comes home from Iraq in less than three weeks, so if I disappear with no word for a while, you know I'm uhhh busy… researching, so I can actually remember how that smut thing works… yeah that's it… :)

**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language, violence, dripping wet shinobi, hentai thoughts from the ladies… will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter.

**Disclaimer: **You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "The Storm" lyrics belong to Big Country

// _I came from the hills with a tear in my eye  
The winter closed in and the crows filled the sky  
The houses were burning the flames gold and red  
The people were running with eyes full of dread _//

**Between the Journey and the Rest, Chapter 2:**

**The Storm**

Iruka burst through the doors and into the chill downpour, looking for the fleeing shinobi. Shit, shit, shit! He cursed himself for nine kinds of a fool for letting things get out of his control. One of the worst things was not knowing, and in this instance, there were far too many things he didn't know. In fact, almost the only thing he did know was that there was a potentially dangerous Kakashi running loose in an unbalanced state. And if that wasn't a disaster waiting to happen, he didn't know what qualified as one.

Wait… there, off to the south… was that… A wraithlike form rapidly ghosted from shadow to shadow until it reached the welcoming shelter of the trees. Everything was hazily indistinct in the veil of silver rain. A ragged flare of chakra off to his left alerted him to the change in direction. He had to catch up quickly, before the older man hurt himself or someone else. No time to consider causes, only running, chasing, tracking; a successful pursuit was the one thing he must concentrate on. Run and jump, steadily increase chakra and speed; push off from the trees, land lightly before pushing off again; scan constantly for movement in the storm. He had been doing such things for the greater part of his life, but it had never had such a direct importance and bearing for him.

A scattering of broken leaves and branches marked another change in path. He's just crashing through with raw force and speed, no attempt at hiding his path, no stealth at all, like he's running in a panic. What happened, what did I do? He's already been so taut and stretched with all the training he's been doing lately. Shit, I'm not even close to keeping up with him. In any other situation, I'd be delighted with the results of his recent training, but now it's just one more hurdle I have to overcome. I can't even try to predict where he might be going, he's running blind…

// _We chased them for miles I had tears in my eyes  
Through forest and moors as the clouds filled the skies  
The storm broke upon us with fury and flame  
Both hunters and hunted washed out in the rain _//

The next twenty minutes were pure torture for Iruka, as he fell further and further behind. At last he realized he had no clue as to his lover's whereabouts, and he searched frantically for any sign. Nothing. He scanned even more intently, almost frantic in his haste, and caught a mere hint of a presence moving in his direction. The small hope was crushed as he recognized the chakra signatures rushing towards him, and he settled lightly to the ground, catching his breath as his friends approached.

"Iruka, what the hell's going on?" demanded a rather pissy looking Genma.

Iruka looked at Genma and Raidou, his mouth working, but no sound came out.

"Did I miss something, are we playing charades? I got it, you're a goldfish…"

Raidou tossed a mildly annoyed glare at his partner. The snarky comment got through to Iruka and he took a deep breath.

"I don't know what you're referring to Gen, but I've got a little situation here, myself…"

"I'd say he's more than a 'little situation,' but have it your way. Is there a special reason Kakashi threw lightning balls at Rai and me, or is that just how he says 'Hello' lately? And why the hell are you out here in the rain in civvies? Not that you don't look damn fetching, if you're into the drowned kitten look… they are nice and clingy though…" Genma leered at the admittedly rather bedraggled looking chuunin.

Iruka started at the mention of lightning. Just a lightning ball, not chidori, calm down.

Raidou's deep voice cut through his husband's innuendo, "What's wrong, 'Ruka?"

"You saw Kakashi?" he demanded. "Where was he, how long ago, which way was he going?" the questions tumbled from worry-bitten lips.

"Just a few minutes ago, near the walls," the rumble slowed and softened. "Iruka… uhhh… did something happen?"

"Take me there, and we'll talk as we go." They started in the other direction.

"If we're in luck lightning won't strike the same place twice…" The senbon in Genma's mouth dipped once, punctuating his comment.

"What the fuck, Genma. Who pissed in your rice bowl today? Do you think just maybe we should be helping Iruka chase him down?" asked the older man.

"When he threw that lightning jutsu, part of it hit my senbon…" Genma pouted up at his lover. "It shocked my tongue… It may never be the same." He removed the senbon and waggled his tongue experimentally.

Another glare was thrown in Genma's general direction.

"I need help, guys. I'm not sure what's going on, but I think things are even worse than I realized." Iruka blushed slightly. "I was scening with Kakashi in my classroom and then he got a little spacey, yelled something, and ran out."

Genma arched an eyebrow and muttered something that sounded vaguely like 'hmmm… kinky' but otherwise concentrated on the business at hand.

Raidou ignored the aside. "So he spaced out on you, ran out in the storm, and threw a jutsu at us. And you're worried he's breaking, now. That's not his normal pattern, though, is it?"

"No. And I don't know what the hell happened, but we have to find him. I don't want him to hurt himself or anyone else. How much further?"

"He was just up ahead. I don't see any sign of him now of course. How are we going to do this when we find him?" asked the now serious tokujou.

"Actually, I think we better split up for this. Someone needs to go tell Tsunade-sama, for multiple reasons," a tight grimace accompanied this statement. "Will you go tell the Hokage, Rai? I'm afraid I may need Gen's special talents for this one, especially if he didn't recognize you guys, and I don't know if I'll be any more familiar to him at this point."

Raidou nodded and turned his vest over to Iruka. "At least take my vest, you can't chase after him like you are. You guys going to bring him in yourself? I'm bringing a squad of ANBU with me if you're not back in an hour. Ok, be careful." Neither laughed at the sight of the dripping chuunin wearing the oversized vest, although it made him look rather like a child playing dress up in his father's clothes. Raidou made a quick hand sign and disappeared in a rather damp cloud of smoke.

The remaining two shinobi scouted for any sign of the missing jounin.

"It's a good thing this storm is so bad, Iruka."

The scarred chuunin quirked an eyebrow at his friend. "How on earth can that be a good thing, Genma? We can't see more than 20 feet in front of us. We can't even track him except by the occasional chakra trace he's left behind. The storm's so bad he could already be lying injured out there and we wouldn't know till too late…"

"Whoa, whoa whoa, there, Chibi. Slow down a sec. Have you seen anyone else out here, tonight?" He paused to let the implications of the comment sink in. "I don't know what happened while he was with you, but he let loose a blast at each of us, without even thinking twice. Hell, for all I know, without thinking once. He ran away from you and attacked us. What would happen if there were innocent civilians out here? This weather has anyone with any sense inside, so I'm thinking it's a good thing. But don't take any chances tonight, okay? Just get him to an open area where I can get one clear shot with a coated senbon."

Something about that comment struck Iruka. "He looked like he had a specific destination?"

"Yes, and we were between him and where he wanted to go," answered his friend.

"Headed slightly southwest of here?" Iruka began running in that direction.

"Yeah. Think you know where he was going?" The older man followed.

"I hope so. Kami-sama, I hope so."

Pop! The smoke swirled its misty tendrils around Raidou as he made his way to Tsunade's office. Knock. Knock. Knock.. Three raps announced official business with a superior. "Come."

He stepped into the office, seeing the lights of Konoha spread out in the window beyond the Hokage. "Tsunade-sama. We have a situation."

Tsunade looked up from the piles of paper littering her desk to see thoroughly disheveled and worn looking Raidou dripping on her floor. He was one of her most solid, dependable shinobi, and not given to exaggeration, so she paid immediate attention to what the man had to say, only a small fraction of her brain cataloguing the distinct outline of the tokujo's crotch, the wet uniform clinging to every part of his anatomy.

"Something's happened to Kakashi." He had her undivided attention before, but now the amber gaze pierced like an eagle tracking its prey. " I don't really know what, but Genma and I passed him on our way back from patrol and he threw a lightning jutsu at us. Nothing very high level or sophisticated, pretty much a blast of raw power, and then he kept on going, right through us, like we were just in his way. He didn't even seem to recognize us. And Iruka is really worried; I think this is something big." He lowered his eyes and his voice with the grim words.

"Iruka is afraid he's breaking, but it's not his usual pattern, and he just broke six months ago." Cinnamon eyes raised, pain for his friends showing clearly through the calm he had tried to impose upon himself while making his report. "I know the workload's been a bit heavy lately, but this is Kakashi. He can go years at a time without reaching this level of emotional instability. Genma and Iruka are trying to track him down…" The voice trailed away and Tsunade heard the unspoken before he hurts himself or someone else.

"How bad do you think it is, Raidou? Do I need to assemble one of the ANBU special squads?" The thought chilled her blood. She had known Kakashi's parents, had been close friends with his mother Kyoko, had even saved his life when Kyoko had stumbled into the hospital after a mission, bleeding and ignorant of her condition in the earliest stage of her pregnancy. Tsunade had sensed the bright pulsing white point of chakra that had been Kakashi, and soothed it and her friend as she worked the healing jutsu. They had drifted apart in the intervening years; she had left the village and he had pulled back into an unemotional shell after losing his mother, father, genin team and sensei in a matter of years.

She considered the idea of deliberately ordering an assassination and recovery team to hunt down one of her strongest jounin. She remembered him first as a shy, serious toddler trying desperately to emulate his famous father. Later he was a serious, intense bratling wrestling with conflicting feelings of adoration for his great golden god of a jounin sensei while simultaneously decrying the myriad faults in the talented man. Now, he was the Leaf's famed copy-nin, master of over a thousand jutsus, feared by all but the most foolhardy opponents, a shinobi whose arrogance was matched only by his sense of duty to his village and his team. The very thought of ordering his death was repugnant, but she was Hokage. She would make sure it was the very last option she considered, but if necessary, she would once more do her duty to her village.

"I don't think it's quite that bad. I… He wasn't consciously trying to kill; I couldn't sense that level of intent. It was more like he was running blind and panicked and lashed out when we got too close." Raidou paused and then, because blind and panicked were never words used to describe the copy-nin, admitted slowly, "Like a wild animal. Iruka is worried. I don't think I've seen him that scared since Mizuki tried to kill Naruto. It might not hurt to alert just the recovery squad. I don't like to think what could happen if he feels cornered or threatened in his current state. I told Genma and Iruka I would bring the ANBU with me if they weren't back in an hour."

The door rattled and Shizune appeared, bearing a tray laden with a light dinner. "Namiashi-san," she nodded. He returned a slight bow, which caused his wringing wet shirt to pull tighter around his shoulders, molding to the well-defined muscles in his back. Pink cheeks revealed her appreciation of the damp clinginess of his attire, and an answering dampness arose below her waist. She locked the image of the drenched tokujou away in her memory for later use when she would indulge in a hot bubble bath and sighed as she remembered the old adage. The good ones are always gay or taken… or in this case both.

"Shizune, we have a possible A-level break…"

All thoughts of the scarred brunette's sensual appearance left Shizune's mind. Her eyes flew to meet Raidou's. Not Genma, he mouthed, remembering the brief fling the two had shared years earlier.

"… of a high level jounin. Inform the ANBU recovery squad captain and have him report ASAP. And gather up supplies, I'll be attending to this one personally. Hmm. Get towels, blankets and food for Namiashi-san." Raidou started to protest but the blonde leader continued giving orders. "Have ANBU ready the highest level detention cell they have and get Morino Ibiki in here too. He needs to hear this and should have some useful advice. Go, Shizune." The younger woman scurried away to fulfill the numerous tasks.

The Hokage turned to Raidou, "Sit down before you fall down, Namiashi. If anyone can bring him back, those two can. And if they can't, we'll need you to help us find him. If they do succeed, we may still need you and Shiranui to help keep Iruka together if things are as bad as you say." She stood up and walked to the scarred, somber shinobi, placing a hand on one cold, clammy shoulder. If it is worse, then you'll all need to pull more than your own weight filling in for Kakashi until he's recovered." He sank wearily into the chair she pushed behind him. "We can't let this leak out. If word gets out that Kakashi is… indisposed," a downward twist of the lips accompanied the euphemism, "it will be a weakness, a liability. We can't leave ourselves open to attack."

"Of course, Hokage-sama." Raidou answered automatically, his mind still occupied with worrisome thoughts.

She retrieved a cup from the tray on her desk and poured tea for the now shivering man. "I don't think it will come to that, Raidou. Kakashi's strong. Iruka's love for him is even stronger. Have faith; things will work out for the best. Those two won't allow anything else."

He nodded once, taking a deep swallow of the tea, before bowing his head in thought.

// _And nobody smiled as we took back our own,_

_While rain beat upon us, the thunder did moan_

_And nobody smiled when we knew what was lost,_

_We knew well enough only time proves the cost_ //

"Over there. Off to the left. It's faint, but it feels right."

Iruka examined the chakra residue. "Yeah, it's his, but it's been a while. We're going the right direction, I'm sure he's there. Come on, this way. We're getting closer."

Iruka set a punishing pace through the trees, knowing they were traveling faster than the weather warranted, but driven to reach Kakashi before anything else could happen. He could only trust to their own skill as shinobi and luck that no ill would befall them in their headlong rush. They landed a short distance from the front of the tiny estate.

"You sure he's here, 'Ruka? I don't feel anything. He wasn't exactly in a coherent state when we saw him, what makes you thing he did the logical thing and came here? He never does what's expected when he's in a normal state."

"That." As they approached, Iruka pointed to the front gate, hanging half off its hinges. "Look at everything else. It's all taken care of except for that gate. You're right though, I can't feel anything either. But I don't think he'd come here and leave. Come on, let's get in there and check."

"Iruka…"

"I'll be careful, Gen, but… what if… I have to go in now… Do what you have to do. But I have to find him. Don't hurt him more than you have to," The whispered plea fell unwillingly from lips now bleeding from the force of his emotion.

"You know me better than that, kid. He won't see it coming and he'll never feel a thing. Just a little painless sleep until we get him in and get him some help. It's fast. Just get me a clear shot." Genma cast concerned hazel towards the house. "Let's do it."

// _I know I can never return  
To the time of hope when I was born  
Let the strength of peace run through my hands  
When we walk away from the storm's roar  
Then I will be afraid no more  
And now I'm sure of where I stand  
Let the strength of peace run through this land _//

Iruka nodded once and walked through the remains of the gate to the main house. Rain and now a faint layer of sleet covered the stones of the pathway. No light or hint of wood smoke extended any hint of welcome from the structure. He felt odd entering the home without the courtesy of knocking or removing his shoes, but he was afraid Kakashi would be in no fit state to take him to task for his lack of manners. Footsteps echoed hollowly down a hallway unlit by anything more than the fast-fading gloom filtering through the windows. Some instinct urged him past the bedrooms, across the tatami room floor, and out into the garden.

Rain still fell in steady streams from the sky, although the electrical pyrotechnics had lessened from their previous fury, only the occasional dim rumble punctuating the quieting night. He followed the sleet slick pathway to a stand of trees almost bare of leaves. A small trickle of water issued forth from the rocks, forming a mournful counterpoint to the steady drip, drip of rain from the maple trees. A delicate looking bench and a small shrine completed the tranquil scene. Iruka gained a small measure of comfort from the utter serenity and beauty of this slightly wild corner of the garden. That serenity was shattered when he rounded the corner of the path to the area beyond the small stand of trees.

His lover lay on the rocky ground curled around a katana embedded into the very rock. Wet silver strands gleamed against the dark uniform and crimson leaves. Somewhere to the left a cuckoo called from the pine trees edging the walls of the estate. Iruka rushed forward. Kakashi. He stroked the cold face, the cheekbones standing out in prominent relief. "Kashi-love, are you ok?" Pale skin glowed in the falling darkness. "Kakashi… can you hear me?" He ran his hand down to the neck, felt a thin, rapid pulse, and noticed the small remaining frayed tendrils of chakra. "Kashi…please wake up, " he pleaded. Iruka heard the footsteps coming up behind him and reached forward to uncurl his lover from around the sword. Long pale fingers were clasped tightly around the blade, cheek pulled tight against the metal's embrace. "Kakashi, my love…" He carefully released each finger.

"Genma..." The chuunin's voice broke. "We need to get him to Tsunade…"

The tokujou took in the scene before him with a single glance. "Iruka, you know we can't teleport him that far, at least not after the energy we used finding him. You're right though, he needs medical attention now." The older man peeled back the eyelid from the unscarred eye. "Looks like he's out for a while. Iruka, I'll go get the Hokage and bring help to take him back. Will you be ok for a bit? Stay here, I'll be right back." There was a slight pop and a hint of smoke as the shinobi disappeared.

Iruka moved to pillow the head in his lap. He got out his med-kit, used a scrap of bandage to clean the clotting blood from the cheek and pulled out a roll of bandages to wrap the slashed palms. Crimson drops fell unnoticed to the ground carpeted in the same hue. He gathered the jounin close against him, rocking him in the falling rain.


	3. In This Place, Pt 1

This is dedicated to Hatochan. Muse and confidante; thank you for giving me back faith in myself and my writing and for 3am flights of fancy "Oh, senseiii…." ;) evil grin

This story occurs several weeks after the conclusion of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, with permission from Hatochan; Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire" ; Will be updated as real life permits :) My husband comes home from Iraq one week from now, so if I disappear with no word for a while, you know I'm uhhh busy… researching, as Jiraiya would say… yeah that's it… :)

**Summary**: Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues

**Warnings**: yaoi, coarse language, violence, more deliciously wet dripping shinobi, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. Minor Spoiler Alert for some contents of Chapter 367 (mentioning a character's name) and Kakashi Gaiden

**Disclaimer**: You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "In This Place" lyrics belong to Big Country

**Between the Journey and the Rest, Chapter 3:**

**In This Place, Part One**

_All the years I spent in this place_

_The friends I knew here,_

_I loved every face…_

_Oh angel, it's coming down stone by stone_

_It's breaking up home by home_

_Take it away, take it away, take it,_

_In this place I will lay my life down_

_In this place I will let you carry me_

_As I age so my learning grows_

_I still touch the vision_

_I still smell the rose in this place_

The pop and swirl of smoke caught the scarred shinobi by surprise and hot tea sloshed over the side of the cup and onto a damp thigh, "Ngggghhhh!!!"

Another fine example of dripping male anatomy appeared before the Hokage. "Tsunade-sama! We need your help; we found Kakashi," Genma ignored any proprieties in the rush to bring back aid for the copy ninja. "He's looking pretty rough but he's too far away for us to teleport him here."

_Something in his voice is not... quite… right_. Tsunade observed the pale skin and silently sent a tendril of chakra snaking in the senbon specialist's direction. _Close to the limits of his chakra reserves, lowered body temperature, one step away from shock…That stands to reason, he was out in the storm longer than Raidou and was most likely going all out to reach Kakashi before anything else happened._

The door rattled again as Shizune returned with the requested items. Although she tried to keep her conscious mind on the current situation, a darker blush still stained her cheeks as she caught sight of her former lover. "Shiranui-san," she nodded, her voice lowering a half octave. She placed the new, more heavily laden tray of food on a small table and retrieved a small pile of towels from a bag carried over one shoulder, passing them to the two tokujous.

"Doesn't matter, Shizune, I'm going right back out. Kakashi and Iruka are waiting." The words slurred the slightest amount, confirming Tsunade's diagnosis.

"Actually, Shiranui-san, you aren't. The head of the ANBU recovery squad and Morino Ibiki are on their way. If Kakashi is as bad as you two seem to think, I can't wait around for them. I want you two to brief Morino-san and Furutaka-san for me. No arguments, Shiranui…" she said as he started to interrupt. She continued in a softer tone, "You aren't the only one that cares for that brat, Genma. And you won't be much help to Kakashi or Iruka if you go back out there in your state." She turned to Shizune, "Think you can handle these two? You have my full authority to restrain them if they give you any trouble." The last was said with a hard gaze in Genma's direction. "You will both stay here, recover, and brief my ANBU captains. Just because you found him doesn't mean something still can't go wrong, and then I'll need you both whole and strong even more. Shizune, get them into something dry and make sure they eat."

Shizune again offered the towels to Genma before scurrying off for dry clothing.

"Both of you, get some food and tea. You can eat as you make your report, Shiranui. Start with their current position and condition and fill in the other details as needed."

------------------------

Harsh rain gave way to sleet and continued beating down on the shivering pair. Iruka's teeth were chattering now. The icy drizzle stole the warmth from his body, but the suffering jounin in his lap stole the warmth from his heart, and he wondered how long he would be able to keep his lover even partially protected from the harsh elements. He seemed unable to concentrate and wild thoughts were a chaotic jumble in his head. _Genma said he would come back with Tsunade, but it seems so long since he left. Maybe she isn't there, maybe she's busy with another emergency, maybe, maybe, maybe…_ He had to forcibly halt that train of thought; it led perilously close to panic, and he had been shinobi long enough to know better. Surely, it had only been a few minutes and his worried brain was merely altering his sense of time. He sheltered the still body to the best of his ability and did the only thing he could. Wait…

------------------------

_Choo. Ah-choo._ The two rapid-fire sneezes sounded incongruous coming from the honey-haired man. In fact, they seemed more suited to a half drowned kitten than to a shinobi of the hidden leaf. Shizune stumbled back into the room in with her burdens. She produced two spare ANBU uniforms and a pair of warm fleece blankets. The Hokage gestured to the screen in the corner. "Go change. You can get your food when you come out and brief me as you eat."

The two men walked to the back of the room, and Genma started peeling the clammy shirt from his body before he even cleared the screen. Muted thumps and rustlings were the only noise in the room until a rather muffled voice said, "They're at the old Hatake estate." Genma stepped out, tugging the dry shirt further down over his chest and cocooning himself in the blanket. Raidou followed soon after, bringing the wet pile of clothes. Shizune hurried forward to dispose of the clammy mess, unable to resist one last peek at the physiques not quite hidden by the skintight uniforms.

Raidou was all practicality as he moved the table containing the food and placed it between the chairs in front of the Hokage's desk before wrapping himself in the blanket and filling a plate with his selections. Genma confined himself to a cup of hot tea and a mere handful of steamed gyoza. "Iruka recognized the area and followed a hunch. We found Kakashi at his parents' house. Out in the garden." One deep breath caught and held for a long moment before he continued, in a rough, brisk tone that Tsunade recognized from too many difficult debriefings. "He was clutching an old katana buried into the stone in the formal estate garden. He appeared unconscious, but other than that and the slashes across his palms, there were no obvious injuries. Still… I can't help thinking this is something serious, Tsunade-sama. I don't know, he… Kakashi needs help right away."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed at the mention of the katana. The Memorial Blade, Jiraiya called it. She remembered the look on his face when he informed her of the now forgotten reminder for a man who was once a hero, once their friend, once Kakashi's father. _Sakumo… I know you meant it all for the best, but you never should have left us, never should have left Kakashi so young. I know you did it for him, but he still needed you here, needed you to show him it was possible to be shinobi and still have emotions. You never did teach him the real meaning of the twenty-fifth shinobi rule, holding in the emotions while on mission, while in public, but letting them out in private afterwards. So many of his generation never learned that lesson._

Yes, if Kakashi was having memories of Sakumo, she supposed he did need help soon. He loved his father so much. She remembered Kakashi's first break; he was only eight and a chuunin and found his father dead in that same garden._ I wish Jiraiya were here. _She sighed; Jiraiya was away with Naruto and not scheduled to return for at least another week._ I might as well wish Minato were here. He brought Kakashi back from the edge of the abyss that time and a few times after. Kakashi was never the same after his death. Not that I was here to see, but I still heard, and I can still see what has happened to him in the years since. This time the burden falls on Iruka's shoulders. We'll have to give him all the help we can._

"Shizune," Tsunade's low voice broke the quiet. "Take care of these two. Make sure they go straight to bed after the briefing, even if you have to tuck them in yourself. I expect you to listen to her and obey, Shiranui. She'll tie you to the bed otherwise, and I don't mean in a kinky bondage way, so I suggest you give in gracefully before she sedates you. If I'm not back with them in half an hour, meet me there." The sannin disappeared with an almost unheard pop and a delicate swirl of mist.

------------------------

_Hmm, no wonder those two were so worn down, it's a truly horrible night out here. _Tsunade ran swiftly from the edges of the forest near the small dwelling_. It's barely changed in almost twenty years. I could almost expect Kyoko to invite me in for Jasmine tea and sweet bean cakes, or to see Jiraiya and Sakumo drinking sake on the bench just outside the formal tatami room, or to hear Kakashi and Minato debating some minor triviality after a long day's training._

_Such happy memories in this place, surely now turned to dust, a small chain of events stretching down through the years leading to this moment in time. If Yubari-san hadn't died on that mission, his daughter never would have killed Kyoko. If Kyoko had remained alive, surely Sakumo would never have made such a deadly mistake on his final mission… and would never have felt the deep guilt and need for atonement. Kakashi would not have been an orphan at eight; he would never have been torn between the warring values of teamwork and duty, would not have had to go through that hell with Obito. But he wouldn't be the Kakashi he is today. The same events that had seemed to tear him down repeatedly were also the ones that built him into the strong warrior he had become. Adversity could be the forge that shaped wills of the finest steel as well as the fire that ruined the most wondrous pieces of work with a moment of inattention._

_The estate is still well tended. He would never so insult his parents' memories as to let it fall into disrepair._ She swiftly made her way to the back reaches of the garden. It had been many years, but she could still find her way in the dark. She merely needed to travel towards the sounds of the trickling waterfall. Dark shapes barely showed up against the stormy sky, and she quietly announced herself so as not to startle them. No one with sense purposefully surprised any shinobi, not more than once, anyway. "Iruka? It's Tsunade. Are you two alright?"

A muffled grunt was the only response. She captured a hand in hers and was dismayed by the almost marble touch. "Iruka. We need to go inside, you need to get out of this rain." The chuunin's reactions were pathetically slow, showing just how cold and tired he was. Tsunade lifted the jounin into her arms, surprised at how light he felt. He's lost a bit of weight recently, and he didn't really have any to spare before this. Such speculation would have to wait until they were inside, though. They needed to get warm and dry as soon as possible. "Iruka, come here." She waited until the chuunin was nearby and pulled him close before teleporting the short distance into the kitchen.


	4. In This Place, Pt 2

**Title: Between the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 4 - In This Place, Pt 2  
Genre: **Angst, Romance  
**Status: **WIP  
**Summary: **Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues  
**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language, violence, dripping wet shinobi changing into dry clothes, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. Minor Spoiler Alert for some contents of Chapter 367 (mentioning a newly revealed name) and Kakashi Gaiden

Dedicated to Hatochan, muse and confidante; thank you for giving me back faith in myself and my writing and for 4 am heart to heart /soul to souls… "Oh, senseiii…." ;) and yummy Neko!Iruka ;) evil grin This story occurs several weeks after the conclusion of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. The cookie scene expands on a scene mentioned in Hatochan's Along the Way: Chapter 11: Childhood Comfort. Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire" ; Will be updated as real life permits :) My husband comes home from Iraq this weekend, so if I disappear with no word for a week or so, or am slow answering reviews you know I'm uhhh busy… researching, as Jiraiya would say… yeah that's it… :)**  
**

**Disclaimer: **You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "In This Place" lyrics belong to Big Country

**Between the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 4**

**In This Place, Part 2**

_All the years I lived in this place  
The people I knew here,  
I loved every face  
I loved the parties, the funerals and fights_

_I loved this country, the land of my birth  
How much am I wanted  
How much am I worth_

_Oh angel, it's coming down stone by stone  
It's breaking up home by home  
Take it away, take it away, take it  
In this place I will lay my life down  
In this place I will let you carry me  
As I age so my learning grows  
I still touch the vision  
I still smell the rose in this place_

_  
_"Iruka, come here." She waited until the chuunin was nearby and pulled him close before teleporting the short distance into the kitchen.

"Sit here for a moment." She gestured to a chair with her foot since her arms were still full with a very quiet, still jounin. She laid Kakashi carefully on the floor before turning to Iruka. A glowing hand moved toward his forehead and he felt a tingling sensation and heard a mild buzzing in the back of his head. A sudden wave of dizziness overcame him as the exhaustion rolled from his body and the fog of confusion lifted from his mind. He took a deep breath and felt somewhat refreshed, almost as if he had just awakened from a short, healing sleep.

"Tsunade-sama! What, what happened? Kakashi!" The voice while not panicked, was still by no means calm.

"We'll figure that out in a moment. I need your help. I just gave you a quick chakra boost because I can't take care of Kakashi on my own. Our first priority is getting him stabilized. There are blankets and dry clothes in that pack. We need to get both of you out of those wet clothes quickly, and then I need you to light some fires and get a futon ready for Kakashi. I don't like the looks of him right now, and we may be in for a long night."

Iruka nodded and quickly grabbed the pack, setting aside the dry clothing for Kakashi before making his way to the bedrooms. He opened a door, but quickly backed out and closed it again when he saw the silver-backed hairbrush and crystal perfume bottle on the dresser next to a tiny picture of a grinning silver headed toddler sitting on the back of a large wolfhound. A faint scent of rose petals drifted up to him as he left. _No need pulling up those memories tonight… I'll find another room._ He tried a door to the left and was relieved to see a smaller bedroom with no hint of any previous female occupant.

There was a slight musty smell in the air, but other than the thinnest layer of dust, the room was clean. Iruka removed two field blankets from the pack and arranged them on the futon, folding back the top layer. A quick search of the chest against the wall provided another stack of bedding, smelling lightly of sandalwood and lavender. He lit a fire in the brazier and set the stack of blankets to warm by the fire before quickly stripping and changing into the dry clothing. The hair tie joined the pile of wet clothes and he grabbed a towel to roughly squeeze the worst of the moisture from the sodden coffee-colored locks. The chuunin gathered the wet mess to hang in the kitchen and returned to start fires to warm the rest of the house.

"The bed is ready and the fire is started, Hokage-sama," he announced as he re-entered the room. He hung the wet things from a series of hooks near the hearth before dropping to his knees and using a fire jutsu to ignite the prepared kindling. He turned to the other occupants in the room, but paled at the sight. Tsunade had made good use of her time while he had been occupied preparing the other room; the jounin, wearing only a loose pair of pants, lay slumped upon a pile of blankets on the floor, the wet uniform tangled beside him. Tiny cuts and thin red welts criss-crossed the near translucent skin of his arms and face and a succession of bruises and angry red abrasions peppered the lean body, results of his erratic flight through the forest. Iruka winced at the sight of a particularly evil discoloration spreading over the expanse of chest and down one side, indicating a hard collision with a very solid object. _Kashi-love, what happened?_

Tsunade was kneeling at the silver haired man's side and sounded a bit pre-occupied as she replied. "Good. We'll move him shortly, after I finish assessing damage and stabilizing his chakra."

Iruka retrieved the dripping uniform from the floor and set it to hang with the other wet clothing. He looked around for any other unfinished task, but could find nothing and his eyes returned to the too pale shinobi on the floor. _He's lost weight again. The last two missions must have been even rougher than I realized. Some reward I planned for him; instead of an evening of pleasure, you gave him this... No, stop thinking like that, find something to stay busy and keep your mind off everything…_ "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Hmmm. Your voice seems to have a calming effect on him. Come sit next to him. Hold his hand while you give your report. I need to know what happened tonight."

"I wish I knew…" the softly voiced phrase escaped his lips.

"Iruka, I know it's difficult seeing him like this, but he's been through worse before and made it through just fine. **You've** made it through worse than this, why should it be any different for him? Take a deep breath, let it out, and **make your report**." The hint of steel in the velvety rich voice produced the desired effect.

"Sorry, Hokage-sama. I forgot myself for a moment. Kakashi just returned from those two missions. They take a lot out of him sometimes, especially when he has to use the sharingan heavily. He was away for over three weeks this time; he takes care of himself enough to make it through missions, but I always make a point to do something special for him when he comes back. Looking at him now, I suppose things were a little rougher than I realized. He's lost a lot of weight recently." Tanned fingers threaded through pale stiff ones, thumb stroking the back of the bandaged hand. "Umm… well… you see… that is…" A deep breath allowed the chuunin to gather his thoughts, but could do nothing for the red spreading across the scarred face. "What I mean to say is, I was taking Kakashi to my classroom. I uh… had a special surprise planned for tonight…" The red deepened, suffusing his entire face.

"You mean to tell me you've been with the brat going on three years, and he's never talked you into the old 'Oh sensei' routine before now? No spankings, no 'See me after class, Hatake' ? You must **truly** have the patience of a saint… or else Jiraiya's slipping into his dotage. I mean, well, after Icha Icha Paradise, Volume 3, Chapter… well not that I actually **read** the stuff, but of course Jiraiya does run plot ideas past me and… well… ok." Surprisingly enough, Tsunade's blush almost rivaled Iruka's. "So you planned to seduce your recalcitrant student. Seems straightforward enough. How did that end in tonight's disaster?"

"I'm still trying to sift through everything and figure that out. I cast a genjutsu on him so that he looked about 17," a small smile crossed the features of the teacher, "all awkward limbs and ungainly angles. I, uh, was teaching him a class on advanced chakra technique." He flushed again.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Advanced chakra technique… oh… **those** techniques. Where did you learn those? They really are a little advanced to just stumble upon on your own."

"Genma."

"Say no more, he knows more than is good for him sometimes." Both shared a smile at the thought of the vanilla-impaired senbon-sucker

"I was teaching, and the storm was coming closer. I brought him up to the front of the class and grilled him on the lesson, then sent him back to his seat and hit him with a pop quiz." Sable brows drew together in a puzzled frown. "He was taking it all so seriously. No horseplay, no pranks, no innuendo. Not even a paper shuriken or a 'spank me, sensei.' I thought he was just on his best behavior because he didn't want to spoil the fun. Whatever it was had already started… he was in a dream state?" He looked up at Tsunade in question.

"Possibly, your guess is at least as good as mine, you were actually there."

"I called time on the quiz; he didn't hear me, but I thought he was finally starting to join in, so I slammed the pointer on the desk. There was a very large crash of lightning and thunder and I saw terror and panic in his eyes. He yelled something out, 'No, Kerebu-san' or something. Then he ran out of the room into the storm before I could stop him. I tried to find him but he got the jump on me and that head start was enough to make trailing him very difficult in this weather. I finally ran into Raidou and Genma and sent Raidou back to you. I was afraid I might need Genma and his senbon before the night was out."

The young man sat in silence, continuing the mindless stroking, reaching forward once to tuck a sodden strand of hair away from the bloodless face.

"We managed to track him a little further in this direction and I got a hunch. It would have been disaster if I was wrong. We could have lost him and he could have been injured. He could have hurt someone else." Iruka cast his dark gaze over the supine form, lost for a moment in the fears of what could have been, then ensnared by the haze of early memory. "I recognized the area. I haven't been here in years, but there are some memorable landmarks. There aren't too many large stones that resemble a wolf's in Konoha and I remembered it from when I was a child. Tou-san sometimes brought me with him when he visited Sakumo-san. I remember Kyoko-san brought out a tray of tea and sweets and served me like I was an honored guest. She even smuggled a small bag of ginger snaps to me before we left, and I stuffed them inside the sleeve of my kimono." There was a hint of a smile on the tanned face that steadily grew as he spoke, though it remained tinged with the sadness of loss. Only one other person from those memories was still among the living. "It was getting late, so Tou-san took me up on his shoulders and ran through the trees. He had to change direction quickly to keep from running into Kakashi and Namikaze-san on their way back to the Hatake residence, and the bag of cookies fell from my sleeve. Namikaze-san returned it to me and I offered to share with them all. We had an impromptu little picnic for all of five minutes at the base of that rock."

There was a moment of silence as each savored memories of the Yondaime Hokage.

"I had a hunch he was here. Kakashi stayed with us once. After his father died, and he went to stay with Namikaze-san, there was an S-rank mission. Kaa-san volunteered to look after Kakashi. I barely remember what happened, but there was screaming and yelling in the middle of the night, and Tou-san came back with a sleeping Kakashi and told Kaa-san that he found him in the garden."

One bright tear trailed down the dark cheek, dropping onto the joined hands. "I found him in the garden."

_He's told me everything else without breaking down... What could be worse?_ "Iruka?"

"He was laying in the garden, clutching an old katana embedded in stone. That's how he cut his hands." He gestured to the motionless appendage in his grasp. "He was so cold and still…"

"Iruka, you have to remember, he's still here with you."

"But one of these days he won't come back. He's good, but the odds are always against a shinobi. Some mission will be too much and I will sit with his body and he will look _just like this…_" The final words were torn from his throat with an odd keening sound. "I teach the shinobi rules to my classes every year. They are part of my very being, but how will I be able to sit there and cradle my dead lover and go on as if nothing has changed?"

"Did Sandaime truly never teach you the real meaning of the Twenty-fifth Rule? Yes, a true shinobi must suppress all emotion while on a mission, must remain stoic in public. But a shinobi is still a man. After the mission, after you return home safe to your loved one, then you release your emotions, you let out all the sorrow, grief, despair, and pain, you share it with your partner. A burden shared is a burden halved, and no burden is so heavy that it cannot be borne by sharing. Yes, some day, Kakashi might fall, or you might fall, or Naruto, or I. You lost your parents; I lost my brother, my lover, my sensei, countless friends and comrades. Kakashi has lost almost everyone he ever loved. But all of us continue to live, bound together in a great circle of friendship, trust, and sacrifice, brought together by the memories of the fallen. We continue because those who go before us would wish it that way, that we continue on without them until our time comes to join them."

Iruka remembered giving similar words of comfort to the grieving Naruto and Konohamaru at Sandaime's own funeral, over a year earlier. He could almost hear Sarutobi's gruff chuckle. _Borrowing trouble before its time, eh, Iruka? You were ever a good student; you'll do well when the time comes. Just remember, you're always there for everyone else, let them be there for you, as well._

"I apologize, Tsunade-sama. I let grief and worry get the better of me. I will try not to let it happen again." He inclined the upper half of his body in a solemn bow, which she acknowledged.

"Ok. Now that I know the extent of his injuries, let's do a little something to help him out, eh, Iruka? Keep holding his hand, but pull back your chakra as I heal him."

Two well-manicured hands hovered over the jounin's chest, and a greenish not quite seen glow manifested around them. Suddenly, the silver haired shinobi arched backwards, his body lifting off the floor. Shakes and tremors seized the body as it stiffened and tensed. Mismatched eyes flew open allowing the fear and pain to shine through. Although minutes, even hours seemed to crawl by, in reality only seconds elapsed.

"Damn, he's fighting against it. He felt my chakra and reacted. I've just barely got him stable, Iruka, we're going to have to do this the hard way." The blonde woman sighed. "He's stable enough for now, but we'll have to keep a close eye on him. Any change could affect him rather quickly in this state. Looks like it will be a long night after all… Shizune should be here soon. I think we should keep him here. Right now it would be too hard to move him."

Iruka nodded. He made small soothing noises and continued stroking the hand nearest him. It was all he could do for now.


	5. Wintersky

**Genre: **Angst, Romance  
**Status: **WIP  
**Summary: **Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues  
**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter.  
**Disclaimer: **You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Wintersky" lyrics belong to Big Country

Hatochan, you're always there with the mental equivalent of a backrub (and a mint julep). Thank you for two lovely months of writing partnership : ) Here's to many more… Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire" ; Sorry for the long delay, my husband just returned home from Iraq, so I was, you know uhhh busy… researching the final two chapters, as Jiraiya would say… yeah that's it… :)

**Between the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 5**

**Wintersky**

_The stories of the world are sung  
In places that were never young  
I have counted every one_

_All the clouds will come to you  
So the sun never comes through  
And we will hide  
From twenty years of winter sky_

_  
The faces of the world are hung  
In places I was never born  
Some will smile while others moan  
All the clouds will come to you  
So the sun never comes through  
And we will hide  
From twenty years of winter sky_

_  
Pictures of the world are shown  
In places I have never known  
Who will know who shaped the stone  
All the clouds will come to you  
So the sun never comes through  
And we will hide  
From twenty years of winter sky_

_  
Still it turns and says to me  
In words that come uneasily  
Answers are not meant to be_

_All the clouds will come to you  
So the sun never comes through  
And we will hide  
From twenty years of winter sky  
_

The crackling of the fire was loud in the house. In another situation, it might have been cheerful, but the room's current occupants were too preoccupied with other concerns. Iruka sat cross-legged on the floor beside the possibly cheerful fire, his sable gaze never leaving the silver haired man laying on the futon beside him. There was very little to watch, however. Kakashi lay pale and still, the only movement the faint rise and fall of each shallow breath.

The scritch scritch of pen on paper was almost as loud as the crackling fire. A quiet, dark-haired young woman sat in a chair in the corner of the room, intent on her writing. "It shouldn't be much longer, Iruka-sensei. She's probably poring over a stack of reference books and old scrolls as we speak. You're not normally one to let your friends lose faith, don't lose faith yourself."

"I haven't lost faith, Shizune-san. Tsunade-sama and Kakashi are both so willful and strong-minded he **has** to get better soon."

A tiny chuckle escaped the dedicated assistant. "I believe the word you are looking for is **stubborn**. Do you have a word for their apparent laziness as well? Or one for their perverse sense of humor?"

The chuunin's eyes widened, hearing the Hokage described so, before the truth in the statement became apparent and some small glimmer of amusement and agreement replaced the incredulity. "They do have a few similarities, don't they, Shizune-san?"

"At least a few, which means I don't need to remind you that she won't give up, especially not in Kakashi's case. She's known him too long to ever abandon him to the vagaries of fate. These two seem to make their own fate."

"Hmm. I suppose they do."

The pale shinobi stirred in his sleep. The already rapid breathing quickened and the body tensed, although he remained silent. A tinge of pink appeared on the high cheekbones, and the eyes moved rapidly behind closed lids.

"Fever?"

"It appears so. I had hoped he maybe he could have escaped this, at least. He's already weaker than I like to see him. Go get a few bowls and place them outside to collect the rain. It's cold enough we can use it for compresses and try to get this under control."

Iruka nodded and jumped up to acquire the requested items, sending one last, worried glance at the fevered jounin.

Shizune used the privacy to quickly examine and reevaluate the patient. Definitely a fever, coming on quite rapidly. Rapid, shallow, breathing, occasionally uneven. She eyed the angrily spreading bruise marring the pale flesh of the chest. Cracked ribs? She leaned forward for a closer look and saw the rough jagged imprint of bark, both abrading the skin and imprinted into the bruised flesh. Well, that answers one question, at least. She tentatively pressed skilled fingers along the line of the chest and heard the sucked in breath as she touched where the crack must be.

_Ahh. That's why he's having trouble breathing... wrapping would help with the pain, but could restrict his breathing... hmm... ok, elastic bandages, they will support the break, but move as he breathes. _ Shizune rummaged through her pack and pulled out a roll of elastic bandages, carefully raising Kakashi to a sitting position as she wrapped the bandages around the bruised torso. The flushed face grimaced even at the careful movements, and Shizune heard the quietly voiced complaints, but soon realized they were not directed to her.

"Don't. Stop, please. You're hurting me. No!!! Keberu-san, please, no!" The soft cries from the impossibly strong jounin went straight to her heart.

She stroked the anguished face as she lowered him back to the futon. His skin seemed even paler against the brightly flushed cheeks_. Oh, Kakashi, what have you done to yourself this time?_ She murmured comfortingly, trying to soothe the fever dreams, brushing the limp hair back from his forehead. "Shh, shh," she murmured, as if comforting a young child, not one of the most feared shinobi in the five countries. _Hmmm. I think his breathing is a little better, but it's hard to tell now that his fever's rising. The only thing we can do is wait._

Iruka sat huddled on the dwelling's walkway, beneath the overhang, waiting for several bowls to fill with the rainy, sleety mix. _One, two, three..._ He counted the seconds until the bowls filled, trying unsuccessfully to distract his mind from worrying about the man lying inside. _Ten, eleven, twelve_... He gazed through the trees at the glow from the main part of the city, watching the vague haze of light shift in the worsening weather. Clouds were low overhead, reflecting the glow of the hidden village in a quiet way that promised snow before morning. _Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven_...

The bowls weren't even half-full and he stopped counting, giving in to his distraction. Everything had been going so well, and then Kakashi spent those two long weeks where he seemed to do nothing but train, and those back-to-back missions... and now this. _With all the weight he's lost lately, this is going to hit him hard. He's overworked, I just don't know if it's his own doing or if they are just using him up. Maybe it's a bit of both_. He sighed, worry returning full force with the inactivity. He checked the bowls again, almost two-thirds full. _That will have to do for now. I'll fill one bowl full and leave the rest by kitchen door to finish filling and stay cold_.

He shed his shoes just inside the door, placing the damp blanket he'd worn around his shoulders on the back of a chair before the kitchen fireplace. He retrieved the nearly full bowl and carefully carried it down the silent hallway of the old house. "Shizune-san, I have a bowlful. It should be cold enough to help," he announced as he opened the door. He frowned as he looked closer. "Shizune-san? Was I gone longer than I thought?" Kakashi was no longer the still, pale jounin of minutes before. This Kakashi was flushed, eyes fever-bright and unseeing, thrashing and moaning on the futon, mumbling incoherently.

"No, Iruka-sensei. Fevers have a way of coming on fast, sometimes. He appears to be generally worn down. He also appears to have a cracked rib. The rib or the exposure in this weather could bring on a fever. Both of them on top of this exhaustion have almost guaranteed it. We need to try to keep him calm and keep his as cool as possible, without letting him get chilled again. I don't want him injuring that rib anymore, either. I wish I dared trying to chakra-heal him, but Tsunade said he fought too hard against her when she tried. Bring the bowl over here and use these cloths. I'll make some weak tea and see if we can get some fluids into him." She exited the room, leaving Iruka alone with the feverish copy-nin.

He dipped a soft cloth in the cold slushy liquid and wrung it out before placing it on the other man's forehead. _Shhhh, Kashi. I'm here. Just relax, love. Shhhh._ He began reciting a string of meaningless words and endearments, as much to let Kakashi hear his voice as to have something to do. _Lie still, love, you'll hurt yourself like this. Shhhh. I'm here._ He replaced the warmed cloth with a new, colder one and repeated the process again. He was on his fourth fresh cloth when Shizune returned.

"If you sit behind him, Iruka-sensei, we can prop him up for a few minutes so he can drink."

Iruka complied, sitting with his legs on either side of the jounin. Kakashi moaned and tensed at the pain the movement caused, but then relaxed limply against Iruka's chest. Shizune offered a small amount of the week green tea. As much seemed to dribble down his chin as made its way into his throat. Nevertheless, he was attempting to swallow. That was one of very few good signs tonight. She offered a few more sips of the tea before letting him rest again.

"Iruka-sensei, if you'll stay with him a few moments I'll get something warm for you, as well. The last thing we need is for you to come down sick too. You can let him stay propped up for a few more minutes as long as he seems to be doing well." Iruka nodded as she left the room again.

He began talking and soothing again in that low, soft voice. "Kashi, love, I'm here. You need to try to relax so you can get better quicker. I know it's difficult, but just relax... shhhh... Lie still, love, just like that. Shhhh." The silver haired man seemed to be listening. He quieted almost immediately, relaxing again against the chuunin. "That's it Kashi, love. Shhhh, just lie here with me and relax. I'm here with you." He got another fresh cloth, wiping the older man's face and hands, leaning in to kiss the forehead resting against his chest.

What? Had he imagined it? He felt the forehead with his hand. It really did appear cooler. And the red flush was a little less hectic. His heart soared. His Kashi would be better soon. He couldn't wait to tell Shizune the news when she returned.

"Ru... ka..." The voice sounded nothing like its normal light careless tone, but Iruka delighted in it anyway.

"Shhh, Kashi. It's ok. I'm here. Just rest. Shhh, I'll stay here, but you need to rest."

Mismatched eyes closed as he settled into sleep and Iruka laid him back against the futon, tucking the blankets securely around him.

Iruka threaded his fingers through the damp silver hair, smiling. He was still smiling a few minutes later when Shizune returned.

"How is he?" she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the slumbering man.

"He was awake," Iruka smiled the words. "He was awake and talking and calm and he's cooler. He'll be better, soon, right?" He sounded so hopeful.

"Iruka..." her voice trailed off. She didn't want to ruin his joy, but she knew Kakashi couldn't be recovering this quickly. She knew his fever would most likely spike even higher very soon. But he had had at least a short moment of lucidity, and that was good news. "Iruka, it's too early to get your hopes up for his recovery this soon... It's a good sign that he was awake and talking... but I don't think he's out of the woods just yet."

Kakashi's face had gradually been flushing darker over the last minute. Iruka was abruptly brought out of his high spirits as the older man groaned. Iruka's eyes met Shizune's, the crushed hope evident in both his gaze and the slump of his shoulders.

"Iruka… I know it's very difficult to accept, and even more difficult to just sit there and watch… but this really is the normal course for a fever. Kakashi will most likely alternate between intervals of consciousness and fever, with the fever spiking and dipping several times until it has run its course. Fever is actually a normal mechanism the body uses to reset its internal temperature regulation or fight infection. It's frightening to watch, sometimes, but it can be beneficial as long as we monitor it closely and don't let his temperature get too high. In Kakashi's case, we also need to keep him as calm as possible; thrashing about in a fevered state will not help his ribs…"

Iruka nodded silently.

"Would you like me to take over for a few moments while you eat?"

Iruka shook his head.

"You could go to the bathhouse for a bit… a soak in the hot spring?"

"No. I'll stay with him."

Shizune sighed but nodded. She hadn't really expected any other answer. "It's going to be a long night. I'll go nap in the kitchen so I'll be rested and ready to take over for you in a few hours. You **will **wake me, if for no other reason than so I can monitor his condition." The woman's voice lowered, but gained a new level of intensity. "Iruka, if you get too tired you make mistakes. You're shinobi, you know this. I **know **you wouldn't risk making a mistake with Kakashi in such a state right now…" She let her voice trail off meaningfully. "Wake me by midnight or if his condition worsens or even if you just get tired or are in need of company."

Iruka's gaze was stony and Shizune's legendary patience snapped; the years spent in Tsunade's company became evident. "I know you love him, damnit, but this isn't helping anything. I'm doing all I can, and so is Tsunade-sama. By now, I'm sure she has half of ANBU on alert and the other half ready to be. We're doing our part, now it's time for you to do yours. If I tell you that you need to stop and sleep or eat or **anything**, you're damn well going to do it! You won't help Kakashi **any **if you work **yourself **into a state and get sick as well. I **don't **need to take care of both of you. He seems to stay calm for you, reacts well to your presence, even in his condition. If you get sick, you'll deny him your presence, putting his life at risk, as well as his mental state..." Shizune covered her mouth, shoulders slumping, as she realized what she had unwittingly let slip to the academy teacher.

He paled but settled visibly, the harsh words and angry tone getting through as nothing else could have. Iruka made a small half bow to the Hokage's assistant. "I am very sorry, Shizune-san. I didn't mean to make your work more difficult. I know how much you're both doing to help him. I'll take a small break to eat and then come back to watch him."

"Oh, Iruka, I'm so sorry I snapped at you. I never wanted you to find out like that." Shizune paused, "Actually I didn't want you to find out at all until we learned a little more about what's wrong… I won't lie to you. His condition is serious, but with a little time and research, Tsunade-sama **will **find out what has happened to him, and fix it. This is a stressful time for all of us. I know how much Kakashi means to you, and Tsunade-sama, and to so many other people in the village. We will do all we can to help him through this, and you as well. You're as important to the village in your own way as Kakashi. Over half the shinobi in the village would revolt if we let anything happen to you; your students and their parents would be up in arms."

Iruka smiled a little. It was probably true. Then he frowned. He seemed to get some of the most troublesome and stubborn students the village had. He swallowed with difficulty at the thought of what a raging Naruto could do if provoked… and Kakashi… He knew the jounin wasn't a model patient at he best of times, hell, if the man could help it, he wasn't a patient at all, even when he needed to be. In his current confused state… he knew he would be very difficult if not near impossible to handle for someone who didn't know him well. "I'll do all I can to help, as well."

His stomach rumbled and Shizune smiled, all tension gone now. "There's soup and tea in the kitchen, and some sweet bean cakes. Nothing fancy, I'm afraid, but it's warm and filling."

"It's more than enough for me after a night like tonight. Uh… maybe I will take just a short soak in the hot spring. I think I'm starting to stiffen up after a run like that and then sitting in the rain and sleet. A few minutes shouldn't make a difference, I suppose. You will come and get me if anything changes?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course, now off with you. The sooner you leave, the sooner you'll be back. Go…" She pushed him out the door with a fond smile.

Iruka hurried off, stopping by the kitchen to quickly polish off a bowl of soup and a few of the cakes, washing it all down with the hot sweet tea. He hurried to the rear of the house and into the attached bathhouse for a quick soak in the soothing waters of the hot spring.


	6. The One I Love

**Genre: **Angst, Romance  
**Status: **WIP  
**Summary: **Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues  
**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter.  
**Disclaimer: **You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "The One I Love" lyrics belong to Big Country

Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire" ; Thanks to all the people who wished me and my husband well and safe return

For those who don't know, kaa-san is a Japanese word for mother, Ji-Ji is uncle or old man, and gaki is brat.

To Hatochan, for bedtime stories of stableboys and princes, and for all the help in this chapter ever being posted... and to Iruka, for always being there to keep his 'Kashi sane.

**Before the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 6**

_There were you and me  
Seems like twenty five years ago  
This old city was different then  
How were we to know  
I've got to live my life  
In a simple way  
Got to live it all  
In a single day, a single day_

_The one I love is still in you  
And the one I want is in there too  
The one I love is still in you  
I don't have the time that I used to_

_I can be your miracle man  
Maybe it's my day  
I was always a lucky man  
Teach me how to pray  
I believe in you  
You know it too  
You can leave me out  
But what I do is what I do_

_The one I love is still in you  
And the one I want is in there too  
The one I love is still in you  
I don't have the time that I used to_

Shizune tested the temperature of the bowl of water. It was still cold, if no longer slushy, and she soaked another cloth in it. She bathed the fevered brow of the pale-haired jounin before her. He was becoming restless again. Although she soothed, stroked, petted, and crooned, the man became increasingly agitated as the minutes passed. She almost regretted letting Iruka take the short break, but knew he would need all the strength he could get for what looked to be a long fight. Kakashi seemed unable to relax without Iruka's presence. She knew better than to wish he could watch during the fever episodes while she took over the conscious interludes. Iruka would worry himself more seeing only the desperation of the man's struggles if he couldn't see the promise of the more quiet, lucid moments.

Kakashi's tossing continued, and Shizune grew a bit more concerned. If this level of activity persisted, they would need to think about sedation. In his current mental state, restraint wasn't an option, and they couldn't let him hurt himself more in his delirium. She stroked the flushed cheek, humming tunelessly, but the struggles went on unabated for the next several minutes. Even as she considered going for Iruka, the wild movements slowed. She waited a few moments and watched the flush slowly recede, and relaxed even more when she heard the soft footfalls of the returning chuunin.

She looked up as the door opened, unable despite herself to keep from admiring the still slightly damp chest covered by clingy ANBU blacks, and she was glad that had been the nearest storeroom when she had gathered the few supplies they had brought with them. She shook her head, wondering at her recent fascination with dripping shinobi. Still, the three she had admired, as well as the one lying in the bed before her, were prime examples of high-level ninja in peak training.

"Thank you, Shizune-san. I feel much better now. You were right. I can't help him if I don't take care of myself as well."

Shizune lifted one finger for silence as she looked intently at Kakashi and frowned. Obviously, Kakashi had been overtraining recently. The signs were obvious now that she was thinking of training regimens. He had the worn look, overly translucent skin that seemed stretched too thin across his high cheekbones, tight muscles with not even a hint of extra fat, ribs showing, dark circles under his eyes... Actually... she looked a little closer... this was more than simple overtraining. Most ninjas at least skirted the edges of that at one time or another, usually new ANBU recruits bent on proving themselves, but Kakashi seemed to have taken it to new extremes. She knew he had been burdened with an extra share of missions now that he no longer had a genin team, especially in the current political climate with the village being shorthanded. Still… he looked close to the brink of exhaustion, and she sighed, wondering if he would ever learn that his body had limits. Chakra depletion how many times before and now overtraining. What would he put himself (and the hospital's medical staff) through next? She hated to think a ninja of their village could be so rundown with no one even noticing, but then she considered the ninja in question and it all made perfect, terrible sense.

"How long has he been like this?" She pointed to the bony ribs.

"I think it started about two months ago. I remember a two-week period of intense training before he was sent out. It's a little hard to tell exactly when he got like this; he's been gone the better part of six weeks now, with two almost back-to-back missions. I was out on the trails and tracking field problem with the third years when he returned, so I didn't see him. He seemed so tired when he got back, and he was so thin, but that comes with the type of missions they send him on, so I didn't think it was anything other than that." Iruka's voice grew quieter, musing. "He doesn't like leaf ration bars, prefers ration packs from Stone that he trades for. He said something about acquiring a taste for them back during the war. I guess they took whatever they could get then... I guess he started running short..."

Something tickled the back of Shizune's mind, something important, but she couldn't quite pin it down.

"He's been so tense and jumpy lately, too. So after a few days I decided to try well, you know, a few things to get him to relax." The voice tightened. "And then it all went to hell... Before I knew it, he was yelling something about not doing anything wrong and then, I don't know. um, 'No, Keberu-san, no,' and he ran out into the storm."

"Keberu-san? That sounds like what I heard him say earlier, while he was feverish. We should let Tsunade know, in case it has any significance. Hmm. So, then you chased him through this weather, tonight."

Iruka nodded. "I lost him for a bit and that's when I ran into Raidou and Genma. Apparently they were in his way. I think he just wanted to get here and apparently went through anyone and anything to do it. He threw a relatively low-level lightning jutsu at them. Last I heard, Genma was still complaining about the shock he got on his tongue when a stray bolt hit his senbon."

Shizune almost laughed outright at the picture. She couldn't wait till things settled down a little bit and she could tease the tokujou about it. She might share his affinity for for his weapon of choice and the poisons that went along with it, (and certain other non-combat preoccupations) but she certainly had the sense not to walk around with one in her mouth on a regular basis, and a poisoned one at that. She was sure he must have had a few interesting incidents when he started that habit. At least it had probably had the semi-beneficial side effect of boosting his own resistance to whatever toxin he favored. She should compare notes later to see which one he preferred and why. She pulled her wandering mind back to Iruka and the matter at hand.

"We sent Raidou off to to the tower for backup., I remembered visiting Kakashi's family a few times when I was younger, and when I realized where we were I took a hunch and found him here in the garden." Iruka's voice cracked. "He was clutching the bare blade of an old weathered katana like a lifeline. He was so pale and cold I almost though I was too late. I sent Genma for help and stayed with him. Tsunade brought us inside and tried chakra healing, but she said he fought too hard against her, so she could only just barely stabilize him. She didn't even have time to catalog his injuries before he shut down on her. And that's it. You showed up and she went back to the tower. You know everything that's happened since then."

She nodded. "If you look closely, you'll see he's been overtraining. When he gets over this you'll need to keep a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't do it again. Usually we see this in younger shinobi trying to prove themselves. We actually monitored him for a while after Itachi's attack to make sure it didn't happen. I can't tell you how many 19-year-old new ANBU recruits I see almost as bad as this every year. It looks like he was close to full exhaustion, though. If he had been on a mission like this and overused his chakra even slightly he might not have made it. Whatever happened tonight was probably mainly due to his general run-down state. I'll talk to Tsunade, we can't let this happen to him on a regular basis. If you'd had a chance to see him in between those last two missions, things might not be so bad right now. I'll have her put an official memorandum to that effect in his records. It won't prevent him being sent out again like this on mission essential taskings, but they'll be reminded of what they're risking if they don't at least allow him minimal downtime. He won't like it, but I'd feel better requiring quarterly physicals with Tsunade, as well. You would think a jounin would take better care of himself.

Iruka's barest hint of a smile showed his agreement with her last statement. "You're forgetting one important fact, Shizune-san. He is a genius. That negates any tactical advantage he might gain from being a jounin."

Shizune did laugh this time.

"He's so busy saving the world that he forgets about himself. He has been shinobi so long, from such a young age, that he has completely internalized every ideal, each precept. **All** the shinobi rules are Kakashi's nindo, really, regardless of what he tells you about teamwork and missions. Duty before self. It describes him beautifully. Duty before personal health, feelings, or even honor. And although I find it admirable, when I see him like this, I can't help wanting to curse anyone who thinks so little of Leaf shinobi as to forget that we **are** more than tools, we are people too. I would never hesitate to give up my life for my team, for the mission, but Kakashi seems to have given his entire life **to** the mission. He forgets he is still only a man after all, with any other man's frailties, any other man's needs, like sleep, food, shelter, you know, the little things..."

She realized the complete and utter truth of that statement. In Kakashi's eyes, they truly were negligible. He took what care he did of himself merely because it was required as a shinobi that he keep himself in proper fighting readiness. He ensured the well-being, comfort, and safety of his team and subordinates while neglecting his own, beyond the bare basics needed for survival. Another piece of the puzzle that was Hatake Kakashi clicked into place; what a trite and tired cliche in this case though, as if any two-dimensional contrivance could ever come close to properly describing the bratty genius jounin. She gave up trying to decipher the many intricate layers making up the man lying before her. She needed to take her own advice so **she** could remain effective.

"He seems to be resting well enough, for now, at least. I'll bring a fresh bowl of water and then I'll rest for awhile. Make sure you wake me by midnight or if he gets noticeably worse." The dark-haired kunoichi silently left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Iruka laid the discarded cloths to dry over a pack near the fire, and retrieved a fresh pile. After arranging them to his liking, he turned to see what else needed to be done and sighed. The small room was already orderly. It had been quite uncluttered to begin with, and Shizune had not done much to alter that. The more he looked around the room, the more he realized 'uncluttered' was too friendly a word to describe the place. It deserved something harsher, like bare, or spartan. There was very little furniture; only the futon, a dresser, a writing desk and chair, a small bookshelf, and a single trunk filled the room. There were even fewer personal effects displayed in the room, mainly a small, well-worn stack of books and a picture frame with a collage of photos. The room seemed too small and sparse for a guest room, but would a servant's room still have personal items after all these years?

He picked up the photo frame and realized his mistake immediately. The pictures left no doubt as to the room's owner. Laughing gray eyes underneath a red maple tree smiled back from one picture. The White Fang looking tenderly down at his newborn son. Sakumo standing beside Jiraiya in some foreign village. The two Hatakes standing on either side of a very young Kakashi on his first day at the academy. His own father and Sakumo with himself and Kakashi asleep in a pile in the forest after a picnic and sakura viewing, some of the pink petals covering them. Kakashi almost grinning beside a young Namikaze-san. Tsunade, Kyoko, and his own mother giggling over tea and cakes, watching a small Kakashi and an even smaller dark-skinned babe that could only be himself. A formal wedding photo of Sakumo and Kyoko. In the corner of the frame, dusty from being outside the glass, was a small tattered photo of Kakashi's team. He let the memories wash over him before returning the frame to its place.

He let a tan finger trail along the edges of the stack before lifting them to look closer. Seven small books, bound in leather of various dark colors. The comforting smell of leather wafted up to him, soothing his jangled nerves.

Shizune returned and placed the fresh bowl of slush next to him. "I sent a summons to Tsunade updating her on Kakashi's condition. She recommended a light sedative if his agitation gets too severe. No more than two drops in a cup of tea should be sufficient." She handed a dark brown phial to the chuunin. "I'll go rest now, but notify me if things worsen."

He nodded and resumed perusing the small hand-bound books. There were no titles, merely a gold stamped kanji numeral on each spine. He opened a book at random, careful not to disturb the order of the stack, and noted the number 3 on the spine. There were tales of romance and drama, full of stirring battles and chaste kisses shared by lovers. He flipped through idly, pausing to sample passages from various stories. Surprisingly, the battles were described quite accurately, but not in the normal dry writing style most academics favored. This was a tactical genius with the soul of a poet… or a poet blessed with tactical genius.

The rich descriptions brought each fight to life, and he imagined he saw history unfolding before him. The more tender moments were no less vividly detailed, and he flipped to the front, wondering what author had produced such a wonder of literary brilliance. The title page was hand illustrated and labeled in beautiful script. 'To Hatake Kakashi on the occasion of his tenth birthday, Jiraiya.' At the bottom of the page was a hand-written note, 'Happy Birthday, Kashi-gaki, Ji-Ji.'

Iruka stared in amazement.

He was startled from his reverie some moments later by a low cry. Kakashi lay on the futon, struggling with unseen phantoms. A hectic flush spread across the pallid skin as the fever once again took hold. Iruka quickly grabbed one of the cloths and dipped it in the cool water, bathing the shinobi's heated brow. He sang a quiet lullaby barely remembered from childhood, hoping the same rituals his mother had performed when he was sick would aid his ailing lover.

The thrashing about eased marginally and the sweat-darkened head turned slightly towards the crooning. The eyes remained shut tight, but a small amount of tension seemed to leave the body. As the minutes went by, however, even the small bit of composure Iruka gave him dissolved as the waves of delirium dragged him under to drown in their depths. Iruka could only watch, helpless, the tremors and ravings that tormented the copy-nin's delusional mind. He remained alert, knowing how dangerous a hallucinating ninja of Kakashi's level could be. The fever spiraled ever higher and Iruka's spirits plummeted lower. He kept up a steady mantra of reassurances and endearments, hoping that eventually something would get through to Kakashi. The distress evident in the older man's struggles enhanced his appearance of frailty, and Iruka wondered how much more he could withstand. He wished Shizune was there to help, but feared leaving the ill shinobi alone for even the scant minute it would take to alert her. He suffered through a few more moments of rising panic before he realized he could use a summons to wake the Hokage's assistant. Hard on the heels of that thought, however, he heard a small sigh. The angry red faded to a mottled red and then a bright pink.

As the fevered movements slowed and then stilled, the flush reluctantly left the sharp cheeks. Iruka pushed the disheveled hair back away from his face and kissed the care worn brow. He stroked the now pale cheek once more before leaving the man alone in the arms of sleep, not wanting to disturb even what small rest he could come by. He sighed and reached for another leather-bound volume, this one bearing the numeral one and the inscription 'To Hatake Kakashi, Autumn of your eighth year;' the handwritten note this time bore the words 'Gaki, hope this helps with the boredom, here's to a speedy recovery, Ji-Ji.' _Odd. The first one isn't for his birthday. The autumn he turned eight…_

Memory slammed hard into Iruka. Memory of a small funeral, shinobi in mourning attire gathered around the heavy-eyed young Hatake, tension so strong even the five-year-old Iruka could feel it. Memory of whispered late night conversations between his parents, his own mother crying, sobbing, "He's still only a child." Memory of the young Kakashi's visit mere days later, and waking up amidst lightning and thunder, to screaming and yelling, the soothing voice of his mother, the calm, even tones of his father, then more yelling, and the loud clatter of an overturned table punctuated by the crash of broken glass, followed by the slamming of the door; more soft sobbing from his mother, until he finally left his bed to crawl up into her lap, placing his arms around her neck, attempting to give comfort, even though he didn't know what was happening. Then, what seemed like hours later, his father returning, a cold, worn, tired Kakashi cradled in his arms, his mother fussing and soothing, Kakashi drawn to the attention even as he pushed away from the contact, finally giving in, unable to resist the mothering. He had forgotten until this moment his mother crooning a soft lullaby as she tried to ease the fretful young shinobi into sleep, Kakashi refusing until the sleepy-eyed Iruka had snuggled against him, using him as a pillow. He didn't remember how Kakashi had instantly quieted, not wanting to wake him, slipping into sleep, his warm breath shifting Iruka's hair.

Iruka sat, staring unseeing for several moments, finally realizing two tired eyes were looking his way. "Kakashi! Are you feeling any better?" There was a slow nod. "Good. Can I get you anything?" This time there was a small shake. "Are you sure? Are you warm enough? Oh, your ribs! How do they feel?"

A small voice answered. "I'm fine, Umino-san."

Iruka frowned, wondering at the stiff formality.

A very quietly whispered, "That's one of my favorites," accompanied a glance at the book.

"Oh. Umm, would you like me to read one of the stories? I guess you could use a bit of a distraction, by now." The indirectness was unusual, but admittedly, Kakashi wasn't at his best right now.

The sick man gave a tiny smile and a nod.

Iruka opened the book at random to a story and began reading. He laughed, recognizing a very bratty young chuunin in the main character, never seeing his own likeness to the endearing young stable boy who befriended a lonely prince. As he finished the charming story, a thin voice interrupted.

"Umino-san?"

Iruka was confused, but decided it must be the fever confusing Kakashi. "Yes, Kakashi?"

"Where's 'Ruka?"

"What?"

"Is- is Iruka here?"

Iruka looked very oddly at Kakashi and felt his forehead… maybe the fever had returned?

A small insistent voice asked, "Where is 'Ruka-chan?" The two mismatched eyes were bright, not just with fever, and there was an endearing hint of a lisp as he asked, "Can I see him, please?"

Iruka gasped, mouth opening and closing. _Umino-san? 'Ruka-chan? No, it couldn't be…_

"He… he's not here right now, Kakashi-kun," Iruka finally managed to choke out.

"Is he at home with his 'kaa-san? She's nice. I like 'Ruka-chan's 'kaa-san."

Iruka had a pained smile plastered to his face and his eyes were tearing up as he answered, "Yeah, he's at home with his 'k- 'kaa-san. Maybe we'll see him later."

There was a small almost frown on the serious face, the tiniest hint of a pout. "If I'm good, can I see him tomorrow?"

Iruka wanted to break down completely; seeing his lover in this state and being bombarded with memories of his dead parents overwhelmed him. "We'll see, Kakashi-kun. If you're feeling better then… then maybe he'll stop by."

Kakashi's face lit up. "I hope so, Umino-san. I've missed 'Ruka-chan so…"

"Just rest, now." He leaned down and kissed the warm forehead, ruffling the silky silver strands as he did so, fighting the building sorrow. "He misses you, too, and sends his love, okay?"

Kakashi nodded. "Tell him I miss him, please?"

"He knows, Kakashi-kun, but I'll tell him for you."

"You won't forget?"

Iruka sniffled loudly, "I won't forget." Kakashi was visibly tiring, now. Iruka poured a cup of the weak tea. "Will you drink a little of this for me, Kakashi-kun?"

Kakashi nodded slowly, already more than half-asleep. Iruka slipped two drops of the sedative Shizune had provided into the cup he held to lips he had kissed so passionately only hours ago. Kakashi took a small sip and made a face at the taste. Iruka couldn't help a very tiny smile. "Tastes awful, must mean it's good for you." Kakashi wrinkled his nose and crinkled his eyes a little more. Iruka watched, endeared by the childlike actions of the man. "Just a few more sips. Please?"

Kakashi sighed, but took a few more tiny sips. "Too sweet," Kakashi mumbled as Iruka took the cup away.

"Thank you, Kashi-kun. Just lie back and sleep now." Tired eyes fluttered shut even as Iruka pushed him gently back into the futon. Iruka placed the tenderest kisses imaginable on the closed eyelids as a single tear slid from his own eye to land on Kakashi's cheek. He huddled next to the still form, holding his hand and stroking his cheek, dark head bent low, whispering endearments.

Shortly before midnight, Tsunade appeared at the once-familiar dwelling. She walked quietly over the smooth floors, bare feet silent on the wooden planks and tatami mats, her mind still swirling with the evening's research. It had been less than enlightening.

Tsunade stepped into the narrow rectangle of dim light cast by the partially open door and studied the scene for a moment before entering. As she had thought, Iruka was kneeling at the jounin's side. What took her by surprise and caused a twist in her gut, was the chuunin's appearance. Iruka was hunched over, barely moving lips close to his lover's ear, not even stirring the silver nearby. The sable eyes looked up and Tsunade felt a bigger twist of fear.

"Iruka?"

"He called me Umino-san." The sable eyes were as flat and emotionless as the voice, their normal depths hidden behind an emptiness the Hokage's heart ached to see. Iruka continued to lightly stroke the pale hand resting on Kakashi's slowly rising and falling chest. "He called me Umino-san and asked me about Iruka and Iruka's 'Kaasan." The chuunin's voice was tight and brittle, as if one stray whisper of air would shatter his words. "He said h-he missed 'R-'Ruka-chan." The brown hands began to tremble.

A stray whisper of air, indeed.

_Oh kami_. As a shocked understanding swept over the Hokage she moved forward and oh so carefully pulled Iruka from the jounin's futon, dragging him an arm's length away and wrapping his shaking figure into her strong embrace. Iruka broke down, sobbing silently on her ample bosom. Tsunade looked down at the disheveled brown head, then cast a glance at the motionless silver. "Shhhhh, Iruka, we'll figure it out. I promise."

_What the hell is going on with you, brat? _


	7. Alone, Pt 1

**Warnings**: yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. severe length warning this chapter pt 1 and 2... (seriously - over 7400 words so far and 2 more points of view to go - so I broke it into 2 parts) also rambling Kakashi fever dreams in between the /\/\/\ 's  
**Disclaimer**: You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Alone" lyrics belong to Big Country 

To Hatochan, for marmalade and bobby pins… and damn pink hair ribbons... Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. First prequel, Song for a Winter's Dawn, is in progress on my Livejournal and Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire"

**Before the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 7, Pt 1**__

_**Alone**__  
The mid-day sky was grey and purple  
At least it wasn't blue  
I want the sky to be the way I am  
And what I do  
For I have been a lost and lonely  
Sailor on your sea  
Run aground by trusting signals  
You were sending me_

The streets are filled with empty faces  
Nothing here is new  
It's just the same in other places  
I have journeyed to  
I was the first across the water  
The last across the land  
I walked out of the silver mine  
My pockets full of sand

Alone inside my head  
Alone inside my room  
I feel alone inside my head  
Alone inside my tiny little world

It's not my life in those old pictures  
The ones you threw away  
For I was always someone else  
And always far away  
Walking in the darkest places  
Where the mission meets  
Waiting for the ground to open up  
Beneath my feet

Alone inside my head  
Alone inside my room  
I feel alone inside my head  
Alone inside my tiny little world

Alone inside my head  
Alone inside my room  
I feel alone inside my head  
Alone inside my tiny little world

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Heat. Fierce and intense. Sweltering. Tossing and turning. Broken words spilling from lips, cracked and dry. Torment. Body aching. Mind hazy. Hard to breathe. Hurts. Torture? Must fight... won't give away information... must fight enemy... Soft unintelligible voices, sturdy arms. No! Bitter liquid dribbled between bleeding lips. Weak struggles. Muffled sobs. Dark oblivion dragging down into welcoming embrace..._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Ibiki shuffled through the stack of papers, making sure for perhaps the tenth time that day that all was running smoothly, that they overlooked nothing in their planning. He still saw no flaw, no forgotten loophole, nothing to throw a kink in their strategy. He still read the list yet one more time. 

One high-level ANBU squad to patrol this sector, ostensibly responding to reports of "questionable activity," information Ibiki himself had carefully had filtered into the intelligence data of the last twenty-four hours. At least the heavy snow that had begun late the night before and continued today had at least one advantage; tracking any intruders was much easier.

This sector had been added to the randomly rotating list of areas off-limits for training and recreation, a ploy to keep out any nosy visitors. 

Official authorization specifically stating permission to be in the area was required on person at all times, or else face immediate incarceration by the ANBU team on duty. All visitors to be checked each time for authorization. ** All visitors**. Tsunade had grumbled a bit, but made no formal complaint.

On paper, Kakashi and Iruka had been sent out on a low-profile, high security mission of indeterminate length, with backup support from Genma and Raidou. They would notify Shikamaru the following day of the need to cover Iruka's classes Monday morning, which would give Iruka today and the next day to revise the hastily assembled notes and lesson plans retrieved in all stealth by Genma the night before. 

One of the very highest level ANBU squads had been given the detail of misdirection. They had been told they were providing distraction so Kakashi could complete his mission in secret. The few members who bore some similar physical resemblance to the copy nin used a henge to transform into another form, to look like Kakashi pretending to be someone else in stealth. Hopefully this would be enough to fool any random ninja they ran into. The other members of the squad transformed into a henge of Kakashi himself, and were given the task of circulating visibly, along with several clones, in various heavily populated areas. No members, not even the squad captain, knew the true importance of their mission, had no idea they were providing a visible illusion of a strong, healthy, active copy-nin to the outside world. Ibiki truly hoped this squad's duties would be over soon, as the alternative was something he hoped they never had to deal with. 

The list of people who knew the full details of the situation was necessarily very small. Of course Iruka, Genma, and Raidou knew, as they had been involved from the beginning. Shizune and Tsunade also knew, and were the only medical resources available at this time. Ibiki was joined by the captain of the security squad outside, the captain of the recovery squad, and the head of ANBU itself. The list would have been even smaller, but they felt they must be prepared in case their direst fears came true, among them Kakshi escaping in this state or never recovering at all. He used all the capabilities and resources he had available to him as head of the ANBU Tactics and Intelligence branch, and shook his head at those who still termed his people Torture and Interrogation. That was an important function, to be sure. but really, they did so much more. 

The little house now vaguely resembled a somewhat cozier version of a command post. Maps detailing the deployment and movements of the fictitious Kakashis covered one wall of the briefing room set up in the formal tatami room; cushions set up in rows, and twin urns of mission room coffee and tea completed the look. The only thing missing was the hustle and bustle of a tactical operations center. Here, all the voices were low and hushed; he could hear each small sound in the house, and looked up as Genma came in for a mug of the hot, sweet tea.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Fire. His whole body was afire, but never caught flame. He wished it would catch and blaze and smolder out, because then the fire would be gone, but he hovered just before the spark caught and held. He heard the hoarse cries from his own throat, piteous sounds, and felt strong arms embrace him, felt the bitter cup between his lips, felt the weak tea trickle down the parched tissues of his abused throat._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Genma carried the mug of tea and went to start his shift sitting with Kakashi. He watched as Shizune finished a quick examination. It was amazing the difference one day could make. Yesterday, he had seen a fairly normal, if slightly thin, copy-nin… if an out-of-control Kakashi tossing off lightning jutsus and running amok through the forest could be considered normal. He touched the tip of his tongue, remembering the previous day's adventure. Today, though… Kakashi looked painfully thin, cheekbones standing in stark relief in the too pale face. Silvered hair lay limp and dull, skin sallow, eyes sunken. The very spark of life seemed to have deserted the man, leaving a burned out, hollow shell. He saw Shizune tuck the blankets in place around Kakashi before she stroked the pale cheek. 

"Keep him warm and covered. When the fever comes back, you'll need to cool him down with the cold water. If he wakes, try to get him to take some of the tea. Even a few sips will help. Call for help if anything seems out of the ordinary or if things get out of hand or you can't control him. Someone will check in every hour to see if you need anything." Shizune squeezed his shoulder as she left.

He sat, watching the shallow breaths. Kakashi was so still. Genma's thoughts drifted in the silence. He had spent enough such silent vigils during his career as a ninja, most of them watching Raidou. He wondered how Iruka was holding up. None of this would be easy for the academy sensei. Any illness or injury to the jounin before him would be rough on Iruka, but a serious one that he might have helped precipitate would devastate the younger man. One that led to a breaking or psychological harm would hurt him that much more. He knew from experience just how bad the waiting could be, His memor drifted back to the worst incident, the one that had left Raidou burnt and scarred. He remembered his own terror and hopelessness and vowed to help Iruka escape as much of the anguish and doubt as he could. 

He imagined Raidou in Kakashi's place, each shallow breath a torment, body burning, wasting away before his very eyes. Even worse was the not knowing… Not knowing when he would wake, if he would wake, what would remain of his mind if he did. Tears pricked the honey-haired shinobi's eyes, sorrow for Kakashi's plight and compassion for one of his dearest friends letting loose floodgates of emotion his lashes could not contain. He could only trust in Tsunade, knowing she would do all she could for Kakashi. Well, he supposed he could do one more thing. He didn't consider himself the most religious of men, knew Raidou could do a much better job, but maybe every little bit did help. He prayed solemnly, a very shinobi-like prayer, "Please, Kami, let them both pull through this as intact as possible…" and he watched in dread as the fever flush crept up Kakashi's still face.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Sweltering, unbearable heat. He wanted to moan and thrash in complaint against his current state, but couldn't seem to gather the strength for more than a weak, husky croak. He struggled to open his eyes a mere crack, but the effort proved too much and he fell into the depths of drugged, fevered slumber again, his whole body straining to whisper one word… Iruka._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

Iruka was still, but Raidou could see the minute twitches of his eyes beneath their closed lids, and hoped the previous nightmares would not return. He had arrived with Genma late the evening before, soon after Tsunade had arrived, and had been there as she had sneakily administered the sedative from a senbon hidden in her sleeve. He had helped her catch the crumpling chuunin and had carried him to a waiting futon in the next room. He dozed off and on through the night, sitting next to the younger shinobi, not wanting to leave him alone. He had been there at the first low cry, had calmed the shaking and trembling, comforting his friend and easing him back into sleep. 

Iruka looked so young and open in sleep, very much like Genma, and once more Raidou mused on the similarities between the two men. But while much of the openness would remain when Iruka awoke, Genma would become increasingly closed, showing only a perverted façade to the world. Raidou knew his husband, knew it was only a front that protected his innermost feelings, but he still missed the open, joyous youngster Genma had once been, dreaded seeing a similar thing happen to Iruka. He's been through so much already, why this? 

Raidou knew it wasn't as simple as that, fate was not an all-seeing, all knowing entity that meted out reward or punishment with just regard for a life well- or poorly-spent life. Some things were truly random, but he couldn't help but condemn the unfairness of it all, anyway. If two people had ever deserved a bit of peace, quiet, and love, it was this couple. They gave so much unhesitatingly for their village, and asked nothing in return.   
This seemed like such a poor repayment for all their hard work and many sacrifices. Raidou knew that such was the lot of a shinobi, but he no longer cared. These were not nameless, faceless individuals brought up in a boring ethics class, not some theoretical, fictitious ninja from one of their many ongoing training sessions, these were flesh and blood comrades… no, even more, friends. 

It was difficult to let your guard down enough to form close friendships when any breath could be your last, but Iruka gave his heart freely to everyone, as easily as he breathed and smiled. Raidou allowed friendships easier than many, his family keeping him attuned to the importance of not walling himself off inside as so many shinobi did, although who could blame them. Opening up and letting others in hurt when something did happen. And right now his heart grieved. For Kakashi, for Iruka, for himself and Genma, for everyone else the two touched in their daily lives. He never wanted Iruka to return to the dark days after Hisaye's death, but he knew you must risk the bad to get to the really good in life, and Kakashi had been very good for Iruka. 

He dreaded the thought of what would happen if this was the one thing Kakashi couldn't overcome. The implications were staggering. Personally and professionally. They had to keep Iruka strong, because he was afraid Tsunade's formidable talent for once just might not be enough. It might come down to the strength of Kakashi's will and Iruka's love. If any of them doubted for the smallest moment, it could all come crashing down on top of them. So for now he did all he could do. Sit and wait. Be there, be strong for Iruka, and keep him strong for Kakashi.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

_Strong bonds held him close, kept him trapped in the fire. Occasionally, a limb would loose itself from its stict confines and break free to the icy cold otherworld, only to be dragged back to torment moments later. Hushed voices conversed just beyond his range of hearing, but he recognized the even tones of Umino-san, and he remembered the promise, if he got better he could see Ruka-chan. "Ruka-chan... please..." The voices quieted, then buzzed louder than before, but he could never quite focus on the actual words or meaning. Hot drops of liquid fell on his face, splattering onto his mouth, salt stinging the cracked lips. His mind reached, and he could almost touch the meaning of it, but a muffled roar from the sky sent him skittering back into the quiet darkness._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

Quiet. Dark. Calm. Iruka floated slowly upwards towards consciousness. Something unpleasant pushed at the corners of his mind, but he fled from its insistent touch and enjoyed the warm, pleasant feelings for a few moments more. He awoke soon after in a darkened room, the only lights the cozy glow of a brazier and a well-trimmed oil lantern. Raidou came in almost immediately with a warm mug of tea, fixed exactly how he liked it, with just a touch of honey. Iruka came to complete awareness, then, the full weight of memory crashing down upon him. He moved to scramble from the futon, only to be steadied by Raidou as he swayed slightly. 

"Careful, Iruka. You got up too fast. Give yourself a minute to adjust."

Iruka blinked and stared at Raidou, questioning, trying to shake the fuzzy feeling from his head, realizing the fuzziness extended to his tongue as well. His slow throught processes finally wrapped themselves around the idea that he had been drugged the night before. He felt the tiny pinprick and telltale residual neck stiffness of a well-placed senbon. "Tsunade drugged me," he ground out accusingly at Raidou, a scowl now on his face. Then he remembered sobbing on the Hokage's more than ample bosom, and the scowl was replaced by a fierce blush. "How long have I slept? Let me up, I need to get to Kakashi."

Iruka saw Raidou cross his arms in a gesture he had seen many times, although it had never been for him before, usually being reserved for Genma at his most difficult. "It's early afternoon, just after lunch. Take your time, 'Ru, another minute or two won't make any difference to him, but will do a world of good for you." Raidou hoped devoutly that statement remained true, knowing how quickly the situation could turn and make every single remaining second precious. "Just take your time, sit up slowly, and drink your tea. I'll take you to 'Kashi in a minute. Do you think you can eat breakfast? I brought you some fruit, but I can get you something else. I didn't know it before, but Shizune is an excellent cook."

Iruka shook his head. "Fruit's fine, Rai." He wondered how they could have let him waste so much time in sleep. He sipped the tea and finally asked the question that was hovering between them already. "How is he?"

Raidou sighed, even knowing the question was coming didn't make it easier to answer. "He's still feverish. He's growing weak now, his body's worn out from the missions and the fever. Apparently the Hokage decided not to sedate him any more after the nightmares he had last night. You had a few, yourself. She's been trying to keep him calm so he won't hurt his ribs any more, but he's still delirious. Genma's in with him, now." Raidou fixed Iruka with a tight stare. "He looks bad right now, 'Ruka, but Tsunade-sama says it's the fever, that it's hitting him harder than normal because his body was already weakened. But it's just from the fever. Once the fever breaks, he'll start looking better. Just remember that, ok? He's going to get better. Tsunade and Shizune are doing all they can to make sure of that."

Iruka finished the tea. "Can I see him now, please?" Iruka hated the almost pleading tone in his voice, but he **had **to see Kakashi. 

Raidou nodded. "Okay, 'Ruka." 

They walked down the hall in silence, bare feet quiet on the wooden floor, an almost comforting sound, and Iruka imagined a young Kakashi running and scampering across these very planks, small quick feet making much more noise than their own silent shinobi tread. Everything about the house brought back memories. Some were only imagined memories, knowing some things had happened and seeing them in his mind's eye, but he still cherished a few hazy memories of Kakashi from when he was young. One of Iruka's most intense memories was of the tall silver-haired child sitting with his nose in a scroll, seemingly oblivious to the outside world, saving his little chibi self from a headfirst fall into the small pond at the base of the waterfall. He had calmly rolled up the scroll and taken a small brown hand in his own and led him back to his father who was visiting inside. Such a small thing to be remembered so vividly even now.

Raidou approached a door and paused just outside. The light in the house seemed oddly muted for afternoon, candles and lamps burning even now. "Why is everything so... dark? And everything seems too quiet, almost" Iruka mused.

"Snowstorm. I think we got two feet last night, and it's still falling."

Memory stabbed into Iruka again as he recalled Kakashi's promise of a quiet walk in the forest next snowfall.

Raidou opened the door and they quietly slipped inside. Iruka stood just inside the doorway watching Genma soothe the restless Kakashi, singing and petting the sick jounin, keeping him under the blankets. The off-key voice held such tenderness that tears welled up in Raidou's as well as Iruka's eyes. Iruka stumbled forward at a small weak cry from Kakashi and fell to his knees at his side. 

He's so thin. But just last night... Dear sweet Kami, how long can this last? So weak... He looked up at Raidou and Genma, naked soul shining through the brimming chocolate eyes. "How could this happen so quick? He looks so... are you sure Tsunade knows his condition? He..." Iruka's voice trailed away. 

"It's the fever, 'Ruka. He's weak and exhausted. They're doing everything they can, we just have to wait for the fever to break, probably tonight, they think. Fevers are scary things to watch, but they can help, they're the bodies natural reaction against infection. Shizune says it's probably a reaction to the cold weather last night and the cracked ribs. Fevers are common in both cases, and he was tired before all this happened. He'll pull through fine."

Iruka stared at Genma, wanting so much to believe the hope his words offered. 

"He's right, Iruka. My little brother used to get high fevers all the time when he was younger. So did Genji-kun. Scared his parents half to death a few times, but my mother brought him through fine each time. And you know how healthy he is. You see him more than I do, now... but you know he's strong and healthy. Genma's right, 'Kashi **will **pull through this fine." 

A hoarse croak... "Ruka-chan... please"

They all fell silent at the barely heard phrase. 

"He's responding, 'Ru.. He recognizes you, see? He'll be better soon." Genma rejoiced.

Raidou agreed. "It is a good sign that he's talking, 'Ruka."

A bright flash momentarily lightened the gloom, followed shortly by a loud echoing rumble of thunder across the sky, the sound oddly muffled by the falling snow.

Iruka leaned down, kissing Kakashi's hot forehead, tears spilling down his cheeks onto the pale skin. "'Ruka-chan... He hasn't called me that since he was eight..."

Somberness once more replaced hope in the other two faces. "Shizune will be here soon to examine him again. He's probably just delirious. It's all because of the fever..." Genma's voice trailed off, unable to continue the false hope, and they waited quietly for Shizune, the only sounds Iruka's frantic whisperings to his silver-haired lover.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

_  
Time had no meaning. The only thing that mattered anymore was the ebb and flow of the bone-searing fever and teeth-rattling chills, the surge and fade of pain, the flood and trickle of vague consciousness and delirium. The only constant was one whispering voice. He couldn't quite place it, but it was his lifeline, he knew that in the depths of his very being, knew it represented love and warmth and safety. He honed in on the feelings, swimming up through layers of consciousness toward the somehow familiar presence. He was almost there when the calmness abruptly winked out, and he was buffeted by waves of loneliness and anguish. He foundered, slowly sinking into the depths again. _

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

Shizune's dark eyes narrowed, veiling their depths, as she felt the waves of tension and frustration pouring out of the room before her. She somehow managed to quietly slam the door open, manifesting an outward show of anger while keeping the actual emotions bottled tightly inside. "Out. All of you. Now!" 

Genma and Raidou stared at her in dumb amazement, wondering how she was able to shout without once raising her voice to a level above a whisper. She walked toward them, stopping between the pair, and grabbed two ears, tugging the two special jounin out the door like two errant schoolboys. 

"I can't believe it. I told you all. No arguing, no tension, no negative feelings. Kakashi is very vulnerable and receptive in this state and will pick up on anything you let leak through. Need I remind any of you of the importance to the entire village of him getting well and making a full recovery? I could feel you before I even reached the room! It doesn't really surprise me that you forgot, Genma, you always had problems controlling your emotions," Genma had the grace to blush, "but I expected much more from you, Raidou." The older, scarred man blushed even brighter than his partner, hanging his head as well. "Leave. Now. Go do **some**thing, but get out of here for now, please." She turned abruptly away, ignoring them, closing the door behind her, and left them staring at each other in the hallway, still unsure of exactly what had happened. 

She walked back to the jounin, taking calming breaths as she went, and knelt at his head, glowing hands resting a foot or more above him, merely trying to read his chakra signature from that slight distance. _Oh well, no lasting damage, I suppose, no real harm done, his chakra is still jumbled and disrupted, but that's to be expected with a fever this high, although for just a second I thought I felt a spark of something… I must be more tired than I realized. _

"Iruka…" 

He never looked up, continued his frantic whispers to Kakashi, and she could feel the strong emotions pouring from him, sensed the razor-thin edge of control he walked. She heard the door open again and turned, preparing to deliver the tongue-lashing of the decade, but choked it down as she saw Tsunade stride in. 

The Hokage took in the situation at a glance. "Iruka. You can leave us now. Shizune and I need to examine Kakashi and we can't do that with you here: Iruka didn't look up, still so focused on trying to reach his love. 

Tsunade shook his shoulder. "Umino Iruka. You **will **leave this room. You are too unbalanced, you're disrupting Kakashi's chakra as much as the fever is. You will not return until you've eaten a decent meal, gotten control of yourself, and we have finished this examination. Do you understand?" 

Iruka glared reproachfully at Tsunade, stress causing him to act in ways he never would dream of, otherwise. She stood up, dragging him to his feet as well. "You are compromising my patient's well being and the safety of this village, Iruka. If you don't leave willingly I will have you dragged out. Shizune or I can do it easily, and we have an entire squad of ANBU to restrain you as well. Or would you prefer a repeat of last night's performance? Should I drug you into compliance? " 

Iruka grudgingly shook his head. 

"Good, then you'll go along willingly. So glad you can see reason." The sarcasm fairly dripped from Tsunade's full lips. She walked to the door and called for Raidou. "Raidou, take Iruka-sensei from this room until he can regain the control expected of a shinobi attending a comrade's sickbed. Ensure he eats a decent hot meal, and just keep him the hell out of my sight while I finish this examination." 

Raidou nodded, but his eyes widened at hearing such a rebuke directed towards the academy teacher. He was glad he and Genma had escaped with only a mild scolding from Shizune. He almost had to drag Iruka to the kitchen, but the younger man eventually quit resisting, following Raidou quietly.

Shizune breathed a sigh of relief as Iruka was led away. She felt Kakashi settle down quickly as the emotional atmosphere of the room assumed calmer proportions. She and Tsunade quickly examined their patient, occasionally commenting to each other on their observations. Finally, they drew back. Shizune tucked the blankets close around the sleeping jounin and they pulled back to a corner to discuss the situation. 

"The fever's worsening, Hokage-sama. It's getting harder to control him now, and he is having chills as well as the fever."

"I know, Shizune, but we just need to keep him calm a few hours more. The fever should break soon." 

Shizune certainly hoped so. Kakashi didn't look like he could take much more; he was already so exhausted. She couldn't remember seeing the man look so frail and worn, and she had patched him up on numerous occasions as Tsunade and Ibiki de-briefed him after some covert mission. "So we continue as we are, Tsunade-sama?" 

"Yes, Shizune." The Hokage's voice lowered to a whisper. "There's a book, in the lower left hand drawer of my desk. I need you to bring me that, along with the big med-kit from the storage closet by my office. We probably need additional bedding, and broths and liquids. We can't keep dribbling weak tea into him and expect him not to get weaker. Use your judgment on what other supplies we need. Say whatever you must to keep Izumo and Kotetsu distracted, you know how bad a gossip Kotetsu can be, and the last thing we need is word of this leaking out. Make sure you return before nightfall, I want you here when the briefing starts. That's it unless you have any questions?" 

Shizune shook her head.

"I'll see you in an hour or two, then."

Shizune nodded as she silently opened the door and left the room, one final glance showing her Tsunade stroking Kakashi's fevered brow as tenderly as any mother of a fevered child. She searched for a glimpse of Iruka before she left, wanting to see if he had managed to calm down any, and finally found him outside on the covered wooden walkway surrounding the house. She stood just inside the shoji screen that separated the kitchen from the outside, and a tear came to her eyes at the scene before her. 

Iruka sat, shoulders hunched, on the wooden walkway, staring out at the garden as the snow steadily fell, covering everything in a thick blanket of white. Raidou sat to his left, head tilted towards the chuunin, one hand on his shoulder, and Genma sat on his right, draped across the other shoulder, face pressed into the younger man's hair. A small pile of empty dishes lay forgotten behind them. She could still feel a distinct unease emanating from the group, but it was approaching manageable levels now. She nodded to herself, glad at least one of her problems had managed to resolve itself.

She silently closed the screen behind her and popped into the Hokage's office, bringing a light swirl of snowflakes with her as she did. She gathered the requested items and left the office to assemble the rest of the supplies… and immediately ran directly into two of the last people she wanted to see right then…

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

_to be continued within the next day in part 2…_


	8. Alone, Pt 2

**Genre**: Angst, Romance  
**Status**: WIP  
**Summary**: Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues  
**Warnings**: yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. severe length warning this chapter pt 1 and 2... seriously, i know fics shorter than ten thousand words... and this tops that without notes, sigh also, some medical imagery and vague references to bodily functions  
**Disclaimer**: You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Alone" lyrics belong to Big Country

To Hatochan, for new out looks on old ways of life…I had no idea…  
Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

She gathered the requested items and left the office to assemble the rest of the supplies… and immediately ran directly into two of the last people she wanted to see right then, well, the two last people other than, say Orochimaru and Kabuto. The near inseparable duo assailed her in stereo, "Shizune-san."

"Izumo… Kotetsu…"

They cocked their heads at near identical angles, and Shizune had the uncanny feeling they could sense she was hiding something. Kotetsu spoke first, "I have a stack of books the Hokage asked me to find."

"And she sent me to find several old records," Izumo added.

"Oh. Very good, then. I'll make sure she gets them."

"Oh, no problem, Shizune-san, we'll be glad to bring them in ourselves. They're all dusty and so heavy…"

"Yes, we wouldn't **dream **of asking you to take them yourself, Shizune-san. Let us."

"Uh… but Tsunade-sama specifically asked not to be disturbed… I couldn't possibly…"

"Couldn't possibly let us know you're trying to keep us out of a completely empty office?" Izumo asked.

"Wh-whatever do you mean?" Shizune sputtered.

Kotetsu shot her a disgusted look. "Do you think all chuunin are stupid, or just us?" He ticked the points off on his fingers. "We've barely seen Tsunade-sama for the last 24 hours. ANBU officers were flying thick and fast around the tower last night. Izumo had to cover Iruka-sensei's mission desk shift this morning, with no warning from Iruka himself, and he always makes his own arrangements when he is called away, and now we hear he's been sent on some hush-hush mission… with Hatake Kakashi, of all people. The Hokage might send Genma and Raidou out together as a team, but they're married, and have been partners on missions for years now."

"The books Tsunade-sama had Kotetsu dig out for her are on mission stress and stress-related breaks. I was searching through old records from some of Kakashi-sensei's missions as a chuunin. We know she's not in that office, Shizune-san. We have much better chakra sense than you apparently realize. No one's been in that office since lunchtime."

"Not to mention we didn't hear you scold the Hokage for her afternoon drinky drinky," Kotetsu smirked. "Obviously the copy-nin finally went around the bend, but who's hurt? And don't bother trying to hide the med-pack or the scroll. We noticed them earlier, so it's too late now."

"And how are Genma and Raidou involved? We know they've been pulled off the regular duty roster until further notice, ostensibly as backup for this 'mission' of Kakashi's and Iruka's."

Shizune stared at the two, her jaw dropped in amazement and not a little dismay. She wondered if Tsunade or Ibiki knew the extent of the intelligence gathering capabilities of the pair. She opened the empty office and directed them to put the books and records on the desk.

"They're at the old Hatake estate, aren't they?" Izumo asked.

"What? But how?" Too late Shizune realized her mistake and tried to backpedal. "What makes you think that?"

"That puddle. When you popped in, you brought snow with you, didn't you? It's all slushy here in town, not real snow, and if it was real snow, it wouldn't be all clean and pure. There would be at least a little dust or smoke or ash mixed in."

"And you smell of pine. Your normal soap is an herbal-citrus blend. The southwestern sector has been closed off to all recreational activity, and that's where most of the pine trees in the area are. It's also where the Hatake estate is, the estate belonging to a certain shinobi whose chuunin records we just sifted through this morning, who just happens to be away on a highly suspicious and probably spurious 'mission.' Come off it, Shizune. We know you weren't out cross-country skiing or snow-watching with some ANBU or jounin boyfriend." Kotetsu smirked yet again at the boyfriend comment.

"It wasn't that difficult to figure out. A genin could have done it with access to the information we see everyday."

Shizune just looked from one to the other. "Obviously, if there were any truth to this wild, hare-brained story you two have concocted, then there's no way I could possibly verify any of it. I trust you'll keep these blatantly false rumors to yourself?" Izumo shared a long, speaking look with Kotetsu, then they nodded. "I thank you for your discretion… but if I hear one single word about your observations, you'll have the worst duties imaginable for a month." She let that threat hang until they knew she was serious, fixing each of them with a deadly glare. "Not a word," they answered, once again in chorus. She had wasted enough time with the pair, and would have to hurry to make it back in time for the meeting, and she still had supplies to gather. "What are you waiting for? Go!" She shooed them from the empty office. She perused the records as she considered what other supplies she needed. The information was definitely important to Tsunade in treating Kakashi, but she had to admit the sannin's cunning. All the data the two chuunin had amassed would easily point to a similar scenario as the one they had outlined, but by makin sure the busybody, gossiping Kotetsu was aware of the information and tying his hands… err, his tongue, so to speak, she had almost ensured any rumors would not spread. If Kotetsu didn't spread them, in fact, if he outright denied them, as she was sure he would, any similar rumors would die a quick and painless death. Maybe Tsunade had better qualifications for being Hokage than any of them had even dreamed. Shizune quickly gathered the last remaining supplies and began arranging them for the jump to the estate. She stared out the window into the wall of white, watching the shifting snow... a familiar face morphing within the icy storm, framed in white just as thick as the falling flakes.

"Jiraiya-sama?"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Cold. Teeth chattering, bone shaking cold. He felt like he would never be warm again, and dimly remembered the searing fire with some slight fondness and regret. He dimly remembered another time, similar feelings of being encased in ice, of whispering voices at his head, of a familiar white-haired man. He knew that man, remembered him telling stories to himself and Ruka-chan… he moaned again, wondering when Umino-san would bring Ruka-chan to him. Everything would be better then…_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The young ANBU member gratefully accepted the mug of tea from the serious, tired-eyed chuunin. The storm hadn't gotten any better, and his captain had ordered them to stop back hourly, in shifts, to warm themselves and take what refreshment they could. He finished the tea quickly before returning the mug to the table and snatching up a few cakes from a basket. Hmm. Red bean paste. Not bad, but he wished they were the little sesame ones. He nodded his head in thanks to the dark-haired man before silently returning to the hushed forest.

He reached the rendezvous point and motioned the all clear to his team mate, who made his own solitary trip back to the warm haven in the snow-covered forest. This was one of the most boring patrols he had been assigned lately, although he supposed he shouldn't complain. In his line of work, exciting usually equated with deadly. At least he had a chance to rest and get warm from time to time… and he couldn't complain about the food. Beat the hell out of field rations.

He reached down into a pocket for one of the little cakes he had brought with him. He was starting to develop a fondness for them. He slipped the cake beneath the cold porcelain animal mask and chewed thoughtfully. He supposed he shouldn't be wondering about his mission, should only concentrate on doing it, to the best of his ability, but it still seemed odd to be patrolling a relatively empty sector so close to the main part of the village in a snowstorm. His mind filled with thoughts of a surprise invasion by Sound or an infiltration by high-ranked missing-nin.

He shook his head. Was that a movement he saw from the corner of his eye? He turned, and walked closer, examining. He could have sworn there had been something there just a moment before. The snow remained undisturbed, and he saw no more movement, and he put it down to an overactive imagination and a very boring patrol. Besides, it was easy to see motion where none existed in the falling snow in such thick forest. Still, maybe he would ignore the sweet little cakes when he next went inside… no use having a full belly lull him into a false sense of security…

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_The cold slowly gave way, the icy feeling slowly melting, but his uneasiness didn't lessen, he felt no more comfortable or secure. That warm, safe feeling hadn't yet returned, and the aches and torment were never ending. Emptiness clawed at his stomach and his heart and his mind. When would this end?_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Junyo Yahagi wondered how long this meeting would take and hoped she wouldn't be sitting there in 3 hours asking herself 'When would this end?' while wishing for a nice A-rank mission. She resettled the Usagi mask against her face, feeling the condensation forming inside as the heat of the room warmed the cold. She'd not yet had the dubious pleasure of an extended mission in Snow Country, and so was unaccustomed to the all-encompassing uniform temporarily ordered for use on this admittedly unusual mission. The all white uniform combined with the mask to make her laughingly think of a snow hare.

Everything about this mission seemed to add to the sense of unreality: the heavy snowfall, so unusual in Konoha, the unfamiliar uniforms, although she did appreciate the extra warmth and camouflage in the snowy woods, and even the people they were guarding, although if even half of her father's and grandfather's stories were true she was having an easy time of it. She hoped some of the tales they'd shared were only stories. She did not look forward to trying to subdue a chidori-wielding fever crazed jounin, if the situation required it.

In fact, she was not sure if she would rather have been in her father's place or her own right now. Her father had had to subdue this same jounin almost twenty years earlier, after his father had committed seppuku, and then again almost two months later after a mission took a surprising turn. Her father had never gone into great detail about that second time, but he had grown a bit quiet and flustered the few times it had come up, and anything that so unsettled a former ANBU medic surely couldn't have been pleasant. Her grandfather had told even more fantastic stories about the man's father, the famous White Fang of Konoha, when he was a new jounin.

She might not have followed their calling as medics, but she had followed their footsteps in ANBU, finally rising in rank to Captain, and while there were similarities, she knew her method for subduing unruly shinobi would be much more direct, a last ditch effort if the Hokage or her assistant lost control. Her methods might not be pretty, but they were effective, and quite necessary as captain of ANBU's Recovery Squad.

She made a quick bow to the Hokage as she passed her on her way to what was now the operations center for their mission. She appeared to be laying down the law rather firmly to a rather rumpled, vaguely familiar looking chuunin. Ah, Iruka-sensei from the academy and the mission room. Curiously, the teacher didn't seem to be taking the lecture with very good grace; he wore a distinctly mulish expression on his face, but finally nodded reluctantly at the Hokage's orders. After the nod, she whispered a low comment meant only for Iruka, grasped his shoulder, and turned to follow to their mission center.

She scanned the room quickly, and saw Morino Ibiki setting up a presentation board at the front of the room. The tall scarred interrogation master was a close friend, and she respected him deeply, but she hoped dearly that the man was not giving one of his meticulously detailed reports this night, and irreverently wondered if the man had ever considered his lengthy dissertations as torture material. Standing quietly in the back corner was the head ANBU captain himself. He stood watching the proceedings quietly from a corner. Another captain she wasn't familiar with stood just inside the door with a mug of coffee in his hands. He looked to be in charge of the security detail. She nodded to the captains before letting her gaze rove over the few other people in the room.

Her own squad was standing together behind the last row of cushions. She gave them a quick once over, and was more than glad her own squad was in top form while under the head ANBU captain's close scrutiny. Her team leaders had almost as much experience as she did herself, and their discipline and attention to detail showed. The only remaining people in the room were the Hokage and two special jounin. Tsunade-sama appeared to be even more worn than the other people in the room, although she looked a far sight better than Iruka-sensei had. She heard an almost audible click in her mind as the puzzling thought finally fell into place. Iruka was obviously involved in the care of the copy-nin, but she had been unaware that he had any serious medical training. Now she realized he was being allowed to care for Kakashi-sempai because they were a couple. It explained the resentful looks the chuunin-sensei had leveled at the Hokage, and the unusual restraint she had shown towards his otherwise unpardonable behavior. He was nowhere in sight, so she surmised he was caring for his lover while Tsunade-sama attended the briefing.

She glanced at the two tokujous. Ah. Namiashi-san and Shiranui-san. She had worked with them several times before, although never with both at the same time. Good men, although Shiranui could be a bit of a prankster and would nail anything with a hole and a heartbeat. Hmm… the heartbeat was even optional if she remembered a certain story correctly. She walked over to them, nodding, smiling through her greeting, "Raidou, Treeboy." She was instantly rewarded by a strangled gasp and a startling shade of pink staining cheeks half covered by honey-colored hair. _Bullseye… my source must be even more reliable than I realized. _

She saw Raidou frown slightly, looking from his husband to the young captain and back again. He mouthed the word "treeboy" questioningly and was answered with a "Later," half mumbled around a senbon.

"So, who did Shiranui piss off this time to get you two stuck on this detail?" she asked, as Genma's muttering quieted.

Raidou laughed at the indignant glare his lover sent her way. "I always enjoyed working with you before, Yahagi, but this time promises to be so much better," Raidou teasingly eyed his partner as he commented, provoking a giggle from her and another glare from Genma. "Actually, we were involved in tracking Kakashi. We had the rather unique luck of running into both Kakashi and Iruka as we came back from patrol. What about you? Get caught yawning during one of Ibiki's lectures… err I mean personnel development briefings again?"

Genma couldn't help glaring yet again as he touched the tip of his still slightly sore tongue.

Yahagi laughed before pointing to the dull silver leaf symbol pinned to the collar of the white tunic. "Doing my new job, Raidou. I got promoted a few months back. Recovery Squad."

Genma stopped muttering long enough to let out a low whistle. "Is the pay enough to make up for a job like that?"

She let out a snort. "It's never enough in **any** ANBU position. The retirement supplement will be good, but hell, how many of us last long enough to cash in on it?"

The tokujous nodded, very familiar with the sentiment.

"So I guess that means you had to trade your bow in for a captain's katana?" asked Raidou.

She nodded mournfully. "I barely have enough time to practice more than a few times a week now. The only thing worse than that is all the paperwork."

They commiserated for a moment until the sound of shuffling feet and muttering as people shifted positions alerted them to the imminent start of the briefing. "I'll catch up with you guys later. See ya later, Raidou, Treeboy," she winked before joining her squad.

At the last moment, she saw a wrinkled looking old man with a stern, disapproving mouth enter the room and quietly sit off to one side, making no attempt to communicate with anyone in the room. He just sat there, silently taking everything in and Yahagi shivered a bit at the dark, judgmental stare.

Thirty minutes later, she was ready to volunteer for a solo mission to bring back Orochimaru. Fifteen minutes after that, she was ready to go missing-nin herself. _This information is important, but why do these briefings have to be so damn long and boring? And why does Ibiki feel the need to cover the same damned information over and over? _She felt herself drifting slightly, her thoughts floating and unfocused.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Floating. He drifted slowly in the dark netherworld that was his fevered mind. He dimly sensed the return of that warm safe presence, but could not seem to be able to gather up the strength to care. He found himself carried along by the currents of the fever, moving where it flowed, further and further away from that one bright pinpoint of happiness. He was just too tired._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Tsunade was tired. Not the pleasantly familiar aching-muscled tired of a particularly good sparring session, but the bone-deep weary exhaustion of a month-long solo mission to Sound. She allowed herself to drift, one corner of her mind listening to the security team captain's monotonous droning. Another part of her mind ran through thousands of different scenarios in her mind, prioritizing their likelihood of occurrence and threat level from their repercussions.

She was almost more worried about the council's reactions than Kakashi's condition. The safest thing in all situations would be for Kakashi to return to full health as soon as possible. The first priority was to get his fever under control so they could assess his mental state. It was actually possible that some of his irregularities were due to the fever-induced delirium, and not from any real break with reality, but they wouldn't be able to tell until the fever broke or otherwise was brought under control. Likewise, if there was a break with reality, they couldn't begin to treat it until normal unfevered consciousness returned.

She indulged the small wish that he would wake up soon, all his faculties about him, and they could tell the council it had all been some giant mistake, some temporarily delusional state, but she knew the likelihood of that happening was about the same as Orochimaru returning to the village, begging forgiveness. She could only realistically hope the fever came under control relatively quickly and his full mental capabilities returned soon thereafter.

Breaking was treated as a normal occurrence in a shinobi village, a fact of everyday life. They did so many things, saw so many things their minds couldn't or didn't want to deal with at the time. As long as any violence or destruction was kept to a minimum or carried out in a safe place, as long as the shinobi had no intent to hurt themselves or others, as long as the threat was relatively under control, breaks were pretty much ignored as an inconvenient but inevitable eventual occurrence, rather like the flu.

By a certain point in their careers, most shinobi even learned to recognize some of the early warning signs and made sure they were in a safe environment or situation when the break actually occurred. Then there were the sudden, unexpected, uncontrolled breaks. While understood, they were taken a bit more seriously, as the threat to the shinobi and anyone around him was so much greater. An uncontrolled break usually called for a mandatory period of downtime until the risk was again deemed negligible.

She heard the security captain ramble on about patrol patterns and once more went over in her mind what information she was willing to and what she was obligated to share. That Kakashi had a high fever and broken ribs was obvious, so no use denying that. The seriousness of the fever and any potential complications could be glossed over or presented as remote possibilities. Likewise, she could present his earlier irrational behavior as panic brought about by the early stages of fever-induced delirium. Hopefully no one would comment on the fact that the fever was most likely due to the broken ribs and exposure to the elements and thus not present when he initially turned irrational.

She decided to shift discussion of what to do if this was not a temporary situation to a further time. She wanted to go over it with people whose input she trusted and relied on before hashing details out in front of a council member, especially if the outcome was still in doubt. Kakashi had pulled off miraculous recoveries before, and she didn't want the stress of this particular discussion if he might surprise her and render it all a moot point.

Another thread of consciousness returned to memories of a similar situation, with a miraculous recovery nigh on twenty years ago. Kakashi, eight years old and newly orphaned, supposedly resting thin and pale under a mound of heavy blankets, mind and body frantically fighting the drugs carrying him towards healing sleep, his young sensei Minato hovering worriedly at his side, very like Iruka in his single-minded devotion to the last Hatake experiencing his first break at such a young age. It had been the first break of many over the years; he seemed to do everything years before his comrades. Not for the first or last time she wished the boy had grown up a bit more slowly, a bit more normally. His beloved Namikaze-sensei brought him back from the brink that time, maybe Iruka could effect similar results.

She remembered young Kakashi's frustration at the lack of missions and any serious training immediately after his father's ritual suicide, and wondered how much worse it would be for the man now, if the council deemed this break uncontrolled.

It sounded like the security captain was finally ending his report. She wished she had paid closer attention to how he had managed to speak so long without saying anything of any real value or importance. Maybe she should speak with Ibiki about getting him switched over to negotiation work where his true skill could be put to useful applications. If she only had five more minutes to watch him, she could employ some of his techniques so she could continue to keep the council member as much in the dark as possible.

It seemed fitting, since he looked rather like he had crawled out from some dark, unsavory place. She took a deep breath, worrying about council relations now before reporting before one of them could not help the situation. It was bad enough facing them so tired. Still, she wished something would save her from this dreaded briefing.

"Tsunade-sama!" She heard a panicked voice in the hall. Her head came up sharply when she recognized it as Iruka. He was probably overreacting to some minor progression in the course of the fever, but she listened carefully, anyway. Even simple things had a way of becoming complicated quickly anytime the brat was involved. The chuunin called again, "Tsunade-sama, please, I think he needs help." _Odd. It almost sounded like he was calling from the doorway of the other room. He really __**must **__be worried. Too bad I can't cancel the meeting without making his condition seem more severe_.

She heard a loud cry that was most definitely not Iruka's, followed by an "Oh shit!" and the sound of running footsteps.

At that she jumped up and raced to the room herself. That loud cry was**not **a good sign. She entered the room to find her fear justified. Kakashi was on the futon with the covers thrown haphazardly, body stiff. Even as she approached his muscles began jerking wildly and deep breaths quickened. She quickly reached him and turned him onto his side, making sure his head was turned as well. She folded one of the blankets and placed it behind him to keep him in place. She saw the sweat standing out on his body and the blood tinged saliva trickling from one corner of his mouth.

"Stand back!" she ordered as Iruka reached out to him.

Iruka raised his expressive chestnut eyes to her, pleading.

She held fast but allowed her voice to soften. "Stay where you are, Iruka. Yes, it's a seizure, but it's not unheard of with high fevers, especially in a weakened state like his. As scary as it looks it will stop shortly." She pushed all other concerns to the back of her consciousness and concentrated solely on the man in front of her. The deep rapid breaths became labored and the pale skin slowly turned bluish-gray. She sensed several presences watching behind her from the hallway but ignored them all.

"Tsunade-sama! I have important… oh!" Shizune made her way through the small crowd to Tsunade's side. Her eyes met the Hokage's in a long speaking glance. Shizune nodded and began herding the visitors away, allowing only Iruka to stay.

As quickly as they started, the convulsions stopped. Although they had seemed to Iruka to last forever, in reality only three minutes had elapsed since he called Tsunade's name. As soon as the trembling ceased, Shizune rolled Kakashi onto his back, swiping his mouth with two fingers before tilting his head back. Iruka had been relieved at the cessation of movement until the significance of Shizune's movements registered with him. He could only watch numbly as the healer breathed for the helpless shinobi beside him.

Tsunade tapped Shizune on the shoulder and Shizune looked up. Color was returning slowly to Kakashi's skin, and he took a slow, shuddering breath. They shared a quick smile before erupting in a frenzy of activity. Tsunade began a thorough examination of the jounin while Shizune left the room, obviously in search of something.

Iruka watched silently, unable and unwilling to stop the tears that overflowed, blurring his vision. His hand blindly sought Kakashi's and he gasped at the overwhelming heat in the almost non-existent grip.

"Iruka, I need your help. Uh Kakashi's a bit sweaty from this fever and we need to keep him dry, could you go get fresh bedding and another set of clothing? I'll stay with him and strip these clammy sheets. Just get the supplies and come back. Don't answer any questions, and if that bastard from the council bothers you, remind him my office as a medic supersedes all other considerations and you are acting on my orders.

Iruka nodded and slipped from the room as well.

Tsunade gathered the blankets and sheets from the futon before quickly stripping the soiled clothing from the still unconscious shinobi. She used one of the wet strips of fabric to quickly wipe him down, erasing all evidence of the seizure's effects from the fevered body. She searched the trunk at the foot of the futon for one clean blanket to cover him with, finding only a small blanket.

Her eyes teared up at the sight. She had given the small lightweight field blanket to the son of her comrade on his graduation from the academy. She and Jiraiya had teamed up to outfit the five-year-old genin with equipment suited to his small size. The finest senbon, shuriken, and kunai had been scaled down to fit the small hands. Blankets, packs, and field gear were made to custom specifications, lightweight and fit to the small body. She smiled at the memory, once more thinking of her teammate Jiraiya and wishing he were here.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Heat and cold warred for control of his tired body, jarring him from the dark place he drifted. Warm comforting presences surrounded him, buffering him from the pain. His last conscious though was of Ji Ji, Tsunade-obasan, and Umino-san. Then everything gradually faded as his breathing became labored and what small bit of consciousness remained drained away_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Jiraiya drew near the small house nestled in the woods, stopping first in the garden to pay his respects to his dear friends. He placed a single dried rose before the small shrine under the bare maple trees and whispered a fond prayer before approaching a weathered blade anchored in the very rock of the garden. He stood before it silently, head bowed, searching for some sign of the man who had once been as a brother to him. Finally he drew out a small bottle and two tiny cups from his pockets. He poured two cups of sake and set one next to the rusty sword before downing his own. _It's been awhile, old friend. I've missed you more than you probably ever realized I would. I know it was more than I ever thought I would._

_I hope you can see him now. You would be so proud. I wish I had done more for him when he was growing up. I promise I'll never leave him alone again like I did after Minato died. That was unpardonable. I'm sorry. I have another student now. Minato's son. The brat taught him first. Did a remarkable job with a kid everyone else wrote off as a nobody. Turned him from a clueless stubborn troublemaker to a shinobi with real promise. Umino Sunameri's son Iruka was his academy sensei. Together they've helped mold the next generation, Sakumo. Can't ask for any better legacy than that. Just remember that. You taught Kakashi what he needed before you left, and he's passed it on. A part of that will never leave this village, friend. I'll stop by a little more often, now, after all, I'm sure it won't be long before my time comes to join you. Farewell, my friend._

After one final glance at the katana, Jiraiya walked down a rocky path to the small dwelling. The scent of pine, woodsmoke, and snow reminded him of happier times. There had still been war and enemies, but he had also had so many more friends to share the hardships with then. Tsunade was one of his few remaining comrades, and even they had drifted apart a bit after Sakumo's loss.

He quietly opened the door to the kitchen and walked down the hall. Instinct drew him to Kakashi's old room. He opened the door to the room and slipped inside. Tsunade and Shizune were placing towel-wrapped packs of snow under the copy-nin's arms and on his groin area and sponging down his body with tepid water. Iruka sat off to the side, torn between wanting to be close and trying to stay out of their way. From time to time, Tsunade would monitor Kakashi, the slight glow of her hands above his head tinting their skin a sickly greenish hue. Finally, after almost an hour, the two women sat back, smiling. Tsunade rose to her feet and hesitated a moment. Shizune's cry was Jiraiya's only warning as Tsunade swayed and slumped towards the ground. He rushed forward, catching her, easing her to a seated position, cradled against him.

"Oh, Tsunade-sama, umm, we got so busy with Kakashi I forgot to tell you… Jiraiya arrived."

Tsunade looked up into the familiar, worn face and burst into tears, burrowing her face into the warm shoulder of her dearest friend. "I'm fine, just tired, overwhelmed. Hold me?" She sobbed quietly for a moment before her breathing eased and the soft cries abated. She squeezed the hard shoulders beneath her once before sitting up. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." Pink tinged the healer's face below the direct gaze of her amber eyes. "I'm fine, now. And so, apparently, is Kakashi. The fever's broken."

Iruka looked up, hope suffusing his entire being.

"The fever has broken, Iruka. Physically, he should recover fine, now. We still have to wait and see about his mental state, though, determine the extent of his break, assess any potential damage. Most likely he'll be fine in under a week, if he follows the pattern of his normal breaks. But this hasn't exactly followed his normal pattern. I know how rough it would be on him if the council rules this is an uncontrolled break. I don't want to see that either, and I know from experience he can pull through something like this. I'll keep as much of this as I can from anyone else as long as you can keep him under control and he shows improvement. Is that understood?"

Shizune brought a few light cotton blankets from a pile of fresh bedding in the corner and tucked them around the tired looking jounin.

Iruka nodded, determination joining the hope on his face.

"Now that you know he's going to be fine, go get some dinner. I also recommend a quick soak in the springs. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning, if you plan on sitting up with him all night tonight. I'll stay here until you get back. Shizune, do you feel up to running damage control with that crowd out there? Namiashi and Shiranui are fine, but reassure and disperse the rest of them ASAP. I suppose Ibiki can stay as well. He'd probably disobey if we ordered him away. Oh, yeah, act properly contrite and conciliatory to the council asshole. Let him know it was just complications of a high fever due to mission-related exhaustion and associated stress blah blah blah. He is now conforming to standard on file break patterns consistent with his history. Tell him I'll give the council a full report tomorrow evening, everything's under control for now. That should keep them off our back until then."

Iruka and Shizune left the room and Jiraiya let his gaze rest on his old teammate. "So does this warm welcome mean you actually missed me?"

Tsunade just smiled, "Welcome back, old man," before shocking the Toad Hermit with a quick kiss on the lips.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Kakashi snuggled beneath the warm blankets a week after his father's funeral. He had vague recollections of nightmares from the night before, but the storm seemed to have died down now, and he felt a bit more normal. He was still sad and upset, a little lost, more than a bit guilty, but he knew he could go on, could make it though one day at a time. After all, he was a shinobi. He had Namikaze-sensei, Ji Ji, Tsunade-obasan, and Ruka-chan to help. Everything would be just fine, now. He thought he recalled a vague memory of Tsunade-obasan and Ji-Ji kissing, but immediately dismissed it. ** I must have been asleep and dreaming of 'Tou-san and 'Kaa-san. Tsunade-obasan would never let that old pervert anywhere near her**. He rolled over and decided to enjoy the warm covers just a bit longer. This morning he felt like relaxing and sleeping a little while longer_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\


	9. The Seer

**Genre:** Angst, Romance  
**Status:** WIP  
**Summary:** Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues  
**Warnings:** yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter.  
**Disclaimer:** You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Alone" lyrics belong to Big Country

**Notes:** Yes, it's been a long time, but I didn't abandon it. Thank you for waiting patiently and for all the reviews and questions as to when I'd continue. Huge thanks to Kiterie for the beta :)

Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. Kakashi finding his father is told in "Song for a Winter's Dawn" and "In My Hands." Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire," chapter title from Big Country's "The Seer"

~*~

The Seer - Big Country

_Long ago I heard a tale I never will forget  
The time was in the telling on the bank the scene was set  
The sky was rolling blindly on, the daylight had not gone  
She washed her hair among the stones and saw what was to come  
All this will pass  
There will be blood among the corn and heroes in the hills  
But there is more to come my boy before you've had your fill  
Men will come and rape the soil as though it were their own  
And they will bathe their feet in oil as I have bathed my own  
All this will pass  
All things must come  
Just as I tell you here_

I listened for so long that day that I can hardly tell  
If what she said was heaven sent or brought to bear in hell  
That men of hope would stand alone and still be cast a lie  
Just as Romans cast them on the day they were to die  
All this will pass  
All things must come  
Just as I tell you here  
Even now I wait for the coming day  
Even now she waits in the dawn  
For the tales she tells, for the gifts that she will sell  
For the sight she knows, for a vision that still grows  
With the dream in her eyes no one's seen

~*~

The house was fairly quiet after the outburst, as everyone made themselves scarce and filtered back to their proper places. Iruka wrapped the heavy robe about his body and took the shorter, outdoor route back to the main house, steam rising from his body into the cold night air. He passed Tsunade as he entered his lover's room, and the blonde woman rested a hand on his shoulder as he walked by. "He'll be fine now. Try to get some sleep."

Iruka shuffled into the darkened room, the only light coming from the small brazier on the hearth. He stood, watching Kakashi for a few minutes, feeling both empty and heavy, too tired to even be relieved. He clumsily crawled in beside Kakashi, pressed as close as possible and fell into a deep sleep.

Tsunade walked through the house to the empty kitchen to reheat a pot of tea, too tired to even bother making fresh. She stared into the cup, watching her own reflection in the green tinted liquid as it rippled with her slightest movement.

She sensed the presence behind her, but did not turn.

"You did a good job, Tsunade," a familiar voice said.

The Hokage tilted her cup side to side, her image warping around the waves of translucent drink. A tightness began to grow in her chest. "We won't know that for sure until he wakes up." Tsunade sipped carefully from the cup's edge, the tea burning its way down her throat.

Jiraiya rested his hand on her shoulder, stepping close.

"You did a good job." That tone would accept no denial.

Tsunade leaned back against the strong chest, her free hand creeping up to grasp the broad fingers curled over her shoulder. Her breathing hitched once, and the cup fell from her hand.

Two thick arms encircled the slighter form, pulling her close against him, his breath soft and warm in her ear. "We've gone through this all before, old friend. You make a difference. You won't save everyone, but you save enough to make it count. Even one life saved is a blessing." The voice was stern but gentle. "You did everything possible. No one could have done more. It's all up to him, now, and to the Umino boy."

"But what if…"

"Tsunade, do you expect me to believe you didn't do everything humanly possible for him? I've seen you do this before. You didn't try any less this time than any of the other times. If he's meant to pull through he will. You did your part. It's up to them, now. They're growing up, you know… I suppose, technically, they already are. I know you want to personally bring them through every little crisis, but they aren't children anymore, haven't been for a long time. Another part of loving somebody is letting them grow up, stand on their own two feet, and, occasionally, fall. I suppose that's been my greatest fault, pushing them before they were quite ready, because I knew how important it was. I should have held back a little, sometimes, helped them out a bit more, others."

"So I'm supposed to sit here and wait until he wakes up, trusting that everything will be just fine?" She shook her head, unconvinced.

"No, sit here and wait until he wakes up. Then if he needs help in something you can assist with, you help. Until then, you sit here and wait. Find something to occupy your mind. Can you knit? Works wonders for passing the time. I knitted a scarf for Gamabunta one winter…"

There was a short, silent pause before she chuckled, tension easing. "You didn't really, did you?"

"You still never know when I'm serious and when I'm teasing after all these years."(love this line)

"It's hard to tell with you, sometimes. You say the most outrageous things. But I know some of the things I've seen are quite unbelievable, as well, so I start to wonder. I know you, though. You would tell me something so outrageous with a completely straight face, knowing I'd never believe it, when it really _did_ happen and was completely true. Kakashi and Minato must have picked that up from you."

Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow at her. "You don't believe me? I'm hurt." He laughed, and she felt vaguely comforted by the rumbling in the chest behind her. "I did, you know, but you're right, I lied, too."

"Oh?" Somehow she was not surprised, but she _was_ intrigued to hear his explanation. "So, you didn't make him a scarf?"

"Oh, I made him a scarf, alright. Stupid thing was ridiculously long, as I'm sure you can imagine. Took up most of my living space while I made it that winter."

"Then what did you lie about?"

Jiraiya grinned that maddening, infuriating grin that made him look so much younger, so like Naruto and Minato at their worst. "I crocheted it. Never did much care for knitting."

She couldn't help it. The sheer audacity, the cheek on top of everything else today… She burst out laughing. Not a giggle. Not a chortle. A true, gut-busting belly-laugh that hit her so hard it hurt. She only stopped when she could no longer breathe, still smiling as she wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes.

It was the most beautiful thing Jiraiya had seen in years. No stolen glimpses of bathing beauties could ever compare to the woman before him, her skin still slightly damp from her exertions this night, clothes rumpled, hair tousled, tears of laughter staining her cheeks. No nubile beauty could begin to offer him anything comparable.

Tsunade couldn't pinpoint the exact moment everything changed, but she did notice when Jiraiya pulled away. She noticed when Jiraiya refused to meet her gaze. She noticed when he couldn't answer her softly voiced question. "Jiraiya?"

Capable fingers captured his hands in a strong grip. "Jiraiya…"

He cleared his throat, hesitant.

Tsunade looked at her old teammate, really looked at him, taking in every change that had occurred since they'd first met, over forty years ago. What struck her the most, however, was what hadn't changed. She shifted positions and turned his face up to hers, not letting him escape. "Jiraiya?" she asked in a tone of soft wonder.

Unaccountably, a soft pink stained the weathered cheeks as he remained silent under her appraisal.

Warm lips brushed against his face, and he closed his eyes, waiting for the imminent words to dash his hopes forever. This was why he'd stayed far away so long, never visited more than a few days; he knew he could never hide his feelings if she ever truly looked, and he'd rather have the illusion, the fantasy, the ghost of a possibility than the certainty that she would never love him.

He felt his heart clench in his chest, expecting her to voice her rejection, and somehow he knew that the gentle pity he'd see in her eyes was far worse than outright hostility. Pink lips opened over even white teeth, and the soft puffs of air were warm against his skin as she pronounced the words that would change his life forever. "All this time and I never really knew… just how much you always meant to me."

Tsunade placed a soft, manicured hand against his cheek, ran the back of a nail down the markings on his face. "Baka." Her voice was even gentler than her touch, low and husky, and it made him shiver. "You thought I was going to send you away." And then warm lips caressed his, and she gathered both his hands to her, pulling him to his feet. "I'm still a little worn out from tonight, but come with me?" She kissed him again, pressing close. "You can court me after, JiJi. For now, help me chase the nightmares away."

~*~

Jiraiya opened the room's door silently as he left, a thoughtful smile on his face, but all his ninja arts couldn't hide him from the young woman waiting outside. He stuttered, "I… I was just checking on her. She worried me when she collapsed like that last night."

Shizune snorted. "Bullshit, Jiraiya-sama. I know you spent the night in her bed." Her voice turned serious. "You aren't leaving again, are you?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "No. But I couldn't sleep, didn't want to wake her. She could use the rest." He shrugged. "Besides, I traveled all day yesterday, and the day before that. Figured I might as well make use of that little hot spring of Sakumo's before anyone else was up. Not that I managed that I suppose, you're here, after all."

"No, Jiraiya-sama, I'm still up from last night, was going to bed in a little bit. I was just waiting for her to wake, to make sure she was fine before I did." Shizune flushed a delicate shade of pink and reached up to peck him on the cheek. "Thank you. She needed to love someone again, to realize she could."

Jiraiya's hand went to his cheek in surprise, as he flushed as well. "I always have, Shizune, I was just too afraid to let her know it was serious, that I still did."

"You should have told her sooner, but I'm glad you did. She needs you more than she'd admit. Everyone needs someone. You'll be good for her… if you stay around a little more." She raised an eyebrow warningly at him. "If she's still sleeping, I'll get some sleep myself. Enjoy your soak, Jiraiya-sama."

"I will, Shizune. And thank you. For watching over her until I came to my senses." He smiled softly at the young assistant, then turned his back and went to gather fresh clothing from his pack, chuckling softly to himself.

~*~

It was lunchtime before everyone was awake and assembled together again. Tsunade looked much refreshed, a lovely tinge of pink adorning her cheeks. Iruka looked more rested as well, as some of the tension eased, just knowing Kakashi's fever had broken. There was still a subtle tension underlying his movements, would be until he knew Kakashi was going to be completely well.

They were scattered around the large kitchen, sitting in chairs, on the floor, the kitchen counter, leaning against walls, as suited them. It was an informal gathering, and they talked softly among themselves, helped themselves to the food and drink situated around the room. Finally, Tsunade helped herself to a cup of steaming jasmine tea and came to stand next to Jiraiya, who had pulled a chair from the table and turned it around, arms resting on the chair back between his legs. She looked at each of them, letting her gaze linger for a moment as she went around the room. Every eye was on her without her saying a word.

"Kakashi's fever broke last night, so physically, everything is fine. There's still a question of his mental state, though, and on that tangent, Jiraiya has a story to share with you. I don't have to tell you to keep this in confidence, you all know Kakashi doesn't speak much of his past. I wouldn't have Jiraiya share this it didn't have bearing on the situation at hand, but I want each of you to know, so that as Kakashi heals and grows stronger none of you inadvertently says or does anything to hinder his complete recovery. I'll let Jiraiya tell you, though."

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "I wish I didn't have to tell this. It feels like I'm breaking his confidence, but Tsunade is right. Kakashi broke, because of something that happened twenty years ago. He has to work through this properly to be able to function as a shinobi again. His sensei convinced Sandaime to keep it out of his official records. The report is sealed, accessible only to the Hokage or himself with the Hokage's permission." Jiraiya sighed softly. "I remember, though. When Minato brought him home from the mission, when he asked my advice on what to do.

"He was eight. Not long after his father… passed." Jiraiya didn't want to dwell on memories of that time, what Sakumo's suicide had done to him, to all of them who had loved him. "It was his first real mission, after, the first one they allowed him on after his break. They were so worried about him, then, kept expecting more reaction from him than he showed. Waited for some complete breakdown that never came. He was eight. Kyoko had died in the spring, and his father in November. He was never the same after she died and he took that mission. Kakashi pulled back and withdrew after she died. He was there, saw it all. And then he walked in on Sakumo as he was dying." Jiraiya trailed off brokenly.

Tsunade signaled to Raidou and he reached for the flagon of sake. She shook her head and he brought forward a bottle of shochu and a glass. She poured for her teammate, pressing the drink into his hand. He looked up in surprise, but downed it with a small shudder, steadying as the alcohol calmed and numbed him slightly.

"He was still alive. Seppuku. Kakashi showed him mercy, performed the _daki kubi_, gave the final blow to end his suffering. To this day, a part of him insists he killed his father, because of that. Minato found him the next morning, half frozen, only a spark of chakra left. He kept vigil beside the body the whole night long, out in the garden, clutching the katana he'd used for the blow. It's no surprise everyone expected more of a reaction, but he just pulled back. The only time he showed any spark of emotion was after the funeral when he found out they wouldn't put his name on the Memorial Stone because he had disgraced the village. Sandaime couldn't go against the entire Council." Jiraiya was still clutching the glass, put it on the table behind him.

"I'm telling you all this so you know what Kakashi was like, then. Young and arrogant and standoffish and oh so deadly. And so rigid. He became even more the perfect little shinobi after that mission. And then after Sakumo's death, it was even worse. He was completely serious, didn't give a thought to anything other than the mission and training and regulations. Near broke Minato's heart, watching him like that. He'd always thought Kakashi was too serious, although he had his moments when he was younger. Kakashi finally convinced the psych nin he was stable, and they let him go on an undercover mission with Minato, out of the village.

"I'm sure it was Sandaime's idea. There was a small village to the north, near the border with the Waterfall Village. It was a sleepy little town. He had Minato gathering information, in the guise of a new widower who moved there with his son. Kakashi had a minor side mission, as well. A teacher at a local school somehow came into possession of a scroll he shouldn't have. Kakashi's mission was a simple switch. It should have gone off without a hitch. They'd been there for two weeks, Kakashi knew everything he could about the man's habits. He underestimated one of the other teachers, though. The man was named Keberu."

Iruka was listening very intently now, knuckles white in his lap, but otherwise unaffected. He remained quiet, trying to see Kakashi as Jiraiya had, not as the older boy he'd looked up to and had a childish crush on.

"I make no excuses for the man. I'm sure Kakashi wasn't an easy child to get along with. You know how he is, sometimes, and he was so much worse then, before Obito. Keberu discovered Kakashi in the school building. Kakashi had been ordered not to use any ninjutsu, lest he betray Minato's cover. The man caught Kakashi and punished him, caned him. And when Kakashi wouldn't cry out or react, it enraged him. He beat him near to death, but Kakashi still refused to make a sound or activate the tag that would let Minato know he was in trouble, because it would be against the mission parameters to use any ninjutsu."

Ibiki listened quietly from his place in the corner where he leaned against the wall. He nodded, thinking how well it fit what he knew of Kakashi, both personally and professionally. He planned to re-read everything in the man's files with this new information in mind.

"The man dumped him outside of town, left him in the forest to die, but Minato went searching for him when he didn't come home for dinner. It almost caused a diplomatic incident. Minato went back and beat the man to a bloody pulp. It got sticky because the man was a minor official's brother-in-law. The official's wife wouldn't believe anything bad about her brother, insisted something be done and the perpetrator be found and brought to justice. Minato was still young and idealistic, and publicly demanded for counter charges to be filed when he heard. Sandaime and I both had a long talk with him after that." Jiraiya let out a quiet breath.

"Minato healed Kakashi just enough he could travel, carried him the entire way back, wouldn't let him out of his sight until he reached Konoha. He smuggled him into the village and had an ANBU medic treat him and stay with him, then he found me. Kakashi still wasn't over his father's death. Or his mother's really. He held everything in, but something about this mission broke him, and it finally caught up with him. Minato didn't want him to have to go through a debriefing about the incident when Keberu's family brought charges. Relations were still a bit strained between Minato and Uchiha Fugaku, and he was the rising star of the Police Force, then. So Minato convinced Sandaime it was in Kakashi's best interest to bury the incident, especially since Fugaku had forcibly and covertly tried to question Kakashi after Sakumo's death."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Don't ask me how, but even simple situations become complicated when the brat's involved. This was never a simple situation, so it became unbelievably tangled very quickly. Eventually Kakashi healed, physically and mentally, and it seemed as if we'd all worried over nothing. Those whose business it was to watch kept a close eye on him, but they would have anyway, with all he'd already gone through. He was even approved to join ANBU when Minato became Hokage. It was quite against Minato's will. He wanted to veto it, but without telling everything, he had no good reason to overturn the appointment." Jiraiya finally turned to Iruka.

"Kakashi has never spoken of that mission in all these years, probably pushed it to the back of his mind until in effect it was forgotten. You couldn't have known, Iruka. You can't blame yourself for an accident like this. If Kakashi refused to remember, how could you possibly know?"

Iruka remained silent for a moment, still processing everything, and then finally looked at Tsunade and Jiraiya both, only his eyes giving away the true depths of his concern. "Just how much has this affected him. I'm a teacher. Will he even be able to handle that now that he remembers?"

Tsunade reached a consoling hand out to him, laying it on his shoulder. "Only time will tell, Iruka. But I do know he cares for you. If you'd seen him the night you were poisoned…" She shook herself from her reverie. "I don't need to tell you just how much he loves you. You should know that already. I think you two can work through it together, have every faith that you can. He's tough. You are, too. If anyone can make it through this, it's you two."

She became businesslike, then. "Okay, everyone. You've heard it all now. Go back to your duties." They scattered quickly, talking among themselves, some of them leaving the room. "Ibiki, a moment, please?"

The tall scarred man stepped forward with a bow, standing close as Tsunade spoke in low tones to him. "I meant it Ibiki. This is sealed and completely confidential. Don't even put it in your own private files. At your discretion, if you have one person who can handle it, I will let you discuss this with them, only in the context of how best to help Kakashi. We can't afford to wait through the normal red tape that something like this would cause. We lost too many shinobi when Konoha was attacked. We're still under strength and we can't show any weakness. We have to get him back and functioning as soon as we can, without letting it be known he _isn't_ right now. One assistant. Completely trustworthy and capable, able to deal with someone like Kakashi." She let out a deep breath. "I trust you Ibiki. I'm worried about him, though. Dismissed."

She turned away, getting another mug of tea and a meat bun when she heard the frustrated yell from the other room. "Damnit, Kakashi, where _are_ you?"


End file.
